mcsweeney's + blog = procrastination

i love these (scroll down).
[click on title links below for full text of exchanges. (from mcsweeney's). grandma thinks i'm grading papers here on my laptop, and instead i'm blogging. i will grade two speeches, then shower. see, the shower is a reward for grading a little. just as parents aren't supposed to "reward with food," likewise i know shouldn't reward myself with food, cigarettes (another favorite of mine), and hygiene. i can already see how this reward-punishment cycle sets me up for future OCD-ish cleanliness: i'll accomplish something spectacular then spend a day scrubbing in the shower? or worse, i'll procrastinate for days (weeks?) and accumulate so much funk i'll lose friends and the dogs will run away from me when i go to pet them? sigh. i'm also hungry.]

new one: HOW SOMEONE WITH AN AMERICAN PUBLIC-SCHOOL EDUCATION WHO DIDN'T REALLY PAY MUCH ATTENTION IN CLASS BUT LEARNED JUST ENOUGH TO PASS EXAMS IMAGINES THE FIRST THANKSGIVING.

PILGRIM: We came here on the Mayflower. It is that big ship over there. It has nothing to do with the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. That is something else completely.

INDIAN: We are having a powwow; it is like a meeting.

(PILGRIM takes a bite of food.)

PILGRIM: This is good. What is it?

INDIAN: That is corn. It is also called maize.

PILGRIM: Yes, like a labyrinth.

INDIAN: (Mumbles something inaudible about David Bowie.)

old one: CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN FAMOUS PEOPLE AS IMAGINED BY SOMEONE WITH AN AMERICAN PUBLIC-SCHOOL EDUCATION WHO DIDN'T PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION IN SCHOOL BUT WHO DID JUST ENOUGH TO PASS THE EXAMS.

Richard Nixon and Winston Churchill

NIXON: Hello, I see you're smoking a cigar and wearing a large hat.

CHURCHILL: So I am, young chap. Could I interest you in a cigar?

NIXON: Sure, I think I smoke cigars ... maybe ... I don't know.

(CHURCHILL hands a cigar to NIXON, who bites off the tip and lights it.)

NIXON: We were probably alive at the same time.

CHURCHILL: Indeed, my boy, indeed. I had something to do with World War II and I think maybe you fought in it.

NIXON: I'm not sure if I did.

CHURCHILL: There's not that much more about me that everyone knows.

NIXON: I once held up my hands and formed two peace signs. I was either about to get onto a plane or get off of one.

CHURCHILL: I have seen the photo, because I think there were cameras when I was alive.