quick post before july ends ... (oh crap)

dear blog,

i hate to have to put it like this, but it's true: i'm just not that into you. right now! i mean -- things could always change! we could always ... i don't know, someday ... no, it's not you, seriously! i promise. no! i swear -- you've been nothing but sweet, nice, helpful, definitely supportive when i needed you ... but, i just think we need to take a little break.

what? well, you're right about that. yeah, we kind of have been on a break for the last two months already, i KNOW. trust me, i heard about how much i SUCK FOR DOING THAT from a lot of people, ok? yes, i'm a jerk. if it makes you feel better to think that, then fine: i'm the asshole here.

whatever, blog. but please know that for what it's worth, i really loved you for a while there. i know, that sounds trite and it is -- but it's also the truth: you comforted me with your company when i needed it, and more importantly, you helped me write when i wasn't writing ANYTHING (nada). so, i am indebted. (and i'm puking a little in my mouth at the cheesiness on display here ... i don't really know what is wrong with me right now, good god).

really? i can visit every now and then? that's cool. i might. right now i'm just going to not worry about it, though, if that's all right. i'm just very busy with my ... living. my breathing. my reading. my being here right now. i'm writing on paper again these days. mostly outside. it's pretty sweet, actually.

well, thanks for the memories, and i promise i'll see you again before you know it, ok doll? don't look at me like that, please. this doesn't mean forever. just a little break. i need my space is all.

love, yours always,
:) s.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

p.s. check out my favorite new music:
new mason jennings album called "IN THE EVER" - i love it all so so much, mmmm ... HE RECORDED THE WHOLE THING IN A MINNESOTA CABIN. he has a new all-inclusive spiritual bent. i love this man. (the album name comes from where his son says he came from before he was born, "ya know dad, when i was in the Ever?")

ben sollee album = "learning to bend" - DUDE PLAYS THE CELLO. HOW SWEET IS THAT?? see tracks "it's not impossible," "prettiest tree on the mountain," and "built for this."

cloud cult album "feel good ghosts" - minnesota band; v. weird, and v. wonderful at times ... i like "journey of the featherless" and "when water comes to life," among others.

p.p.s. you must go read my incredible step-mom's new blog about her life in india!! it's amazing and she is amazing and she inspires me daily. we all must go more places ... if we can. i am trying.

nothingness and everythingness

to my dear, wonderful NINE (holy crap, where did you all come from??) readers:

i'm truly VERY sorry i haven't posted anything for weeks and weeks. i'm so flattered anyone cared about this blog ... i do know how much i like reading other people's (everyone! go start blogs!) stuff and seeing their pictures and hearing about their lives. it may have seemed like i dropped off the planet. i did and i didn't. mostly i just wasn't on a computer for a long time. like, hardly ever. and i didn't want to be near one. i was really enjoying my break from technology.

so much has happened in the last six weeks, and so little has actually BEEN DONE, that i don't really know where to start. i'm just going to spit it all out because (as i mentioned) i don't believe i'll be on this computer for long:

i started reading about reincarnation and i started thinking about what lessons our friends and family and significant others teach us and i started meditating on this and thinking something was changing inside me right then and it was. so i started reading these transformational books about mindfulness, being present in the moment, losing your ego and negating emotional reactions, finding your source, leaving materialism behind, channeling energy, embracing nothingness and so on. i also have been reading a lot of fiction (for fun). the waitressing job didn't work out (long story), but that was actually very lucky because i got to do nothing for weeks except look for a temp job and meanwhile read, meditate, try and lose my ego (like i said already, i know, but this is ENDLESS of course, esp for me) and so on. i also have a great tan. (KIDDING! but really. i do).

result: irreversible perspective shift! omg! i have never been happier or more focused in my life, i think. it's the Oneness.

it's a little unsettling, to be quite honest. to be so content. to smile so much, so randomly. to also be so increasingly cognizant of my own reactions and thoughts ... the closest thing i can compare it to is to that euphoria that comes when you're falling in love -- but that is more like a drug, and this is definitely more peaceful, more relaxed ... yes: supreme contentedness is the only way to describe it. (and it's not always there! i have moments when i lose it ... but that's for another post).

just so you know, i'm still me! i'm not a new age nutcase, really. i'm still sarcastic, too judgmental, a little sharp sometimes when i don't mean to be, and i still smoke too many cigarettes and drink WAY too much coffee and diet coke.

i just was so unhappy for so long with my life. i hardly realized that until ... now. with everything. from where i was living to my income to my lack of a partner and children to just about EVERYTHING. and this shift now to appreciating things, and myself, it didn't happen overnight ... it was a process here. it was an awakening i sensed before i could articulate (and i'm doing a damned shitty job here, whoa), and so that's where i am now: working on continuing the awakening. that's all it is. just a beginning.

there's a lot of work for me here ... i don't want to make this blog become an annoying new age meditation blog (holy christ i can't think of a more boring, insipid blog), so i'll just leave it at this and update with other news and stuff, right??? because ...

i have a temp job (i'm on week two) in an office at the U of MN in the medical academic offices: department of integrative biology and physiology. that's a mouthful when i answer the phone, because i also then include, "this is sylvia" at the end, so it kind of always strikes me as funny and i think i laugh out loud every time i answer the phone. fortunately, the phone almost never rings. it's a nice job. half admin/secretary work, half me-transferring grants for a new dept chair (something i've never done before but seems VERY complicated/nightmarish). the U campus is beautiful and a nice blend of urban-college, so i sit outside every day for lunch and read and meditate and this is incredibly lovely.

ok. that's it for june. i'll try and do better for july. i've been finding some great new music ... maybe i'll post that soon.

have i mentioned i have the most wonderful family in the entire universe? and how much i miss my friends? i feel like i radiate love these days ... it's all i feel.

hail the size of ...

whoa. what happened to my blogging life?? it's like i disappeared from blogland. scary. i'm a bit disappointed in myself, honestly. i have a number of explanations for why i fell "off the grid," but i don't even have time to get into them here.

because this post, in fact, is just a filler.

to say: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING.

and: I WILL DO MORE POSTING SOON (I PROMISE. SERIOUSLY).

[just not now, unfortunately. rest assured, everything will be explained in good time.]

waiting ...

it's amazing what happens when you wake up and you don't immediately get to get on your computer with your coffee and your cigarettes. whole days go by where you don't check the 50,000 websites you used to check compulsively EVERY SINGLE DAY. you don't email friends back very well (not that you did to begin with [sigh]), and you REALLY SLACK ON THE BLOGGING FRONT. i kind of miss my old routine. but i sort of like my new, liberating one, too: i read the newspaper outside, i read more books, and i just PONDER more.

as it turned out, i got a waitressing job at the first place i went to that was hiring, and it was a SUPER HIGH-END FANCY-SCHMANCY NEW restaurant in downtown minneapolis, which is exactly what i was looking for. i got the job two days after my last post, and started training last night. this means i follow another server around like a lost puppy for about four shifts, then i "expo" (in my day we just called it "food running") for a night, take a freaking TEST, and then voila! I'M A WAITRESS. (again).





ok, i've got to run to get ready to leave. i have to be there at 10:15 to trail after my dude again for a lunch shift today. i will have to come up with some awesome waitressing stories for you before my next post. in the meantime, i'm learning more about steak, etc., than you ever would've thought possible.

[btw: the cat came back (just like the song), and the beagle is still troublesome but we've patched the holes in the fence ... mostly. now if we could just stop her from barking, good god. that howl-bark haunts my dreams.]

coming to you from the land of (+/-16,000) lakes!

here i am in minnesota, at my folks' house, still breathing. the pets made the 20-hour-straight car trip and although one cat has gone AWOL, everyone seems to be adjusting pretty well. they say the leaves will be on the trees soon ...

(OK, except for that damn missing cat. and the beagle. first the stupid cat went up a tree for 24 hours, then after i talked her down [not unlike a hostage negotiation in many respects] she just ran off again and i haven't seen her since. she's not a very good cat, honestly. well, and there's the issue of my annoying beagle, lulu, who, although bigger than one of my parents' dogs, has somehow managed to find a hole in their fence she can fit through ... so this is INCREDIBLY TIRESOME and now she is on extendable leash #2 [#1 already broke ...] attached to a clothes line in the yard when she goes outside, until we can figure out where she's escaping from ... SIGH).

today i enjoyed what i'm henceforth referring to as "the zen of pool skimming." my parents are a little crazy and disorganized and their unique method of dealing with their beautiful in-ground pool every year is to ... do nothing and let fall and winter take their toll. so, spring rolls around and the pool is a deep brown swamp filled with leaves and god-knows-what-else. charming. and yet every time summer rolls around it's crystal clear and beautiful and none-too-chlorinated (ugh). so, lots and lots of skimming with a little net attached to an incredibly long pole. it was sunny and warm (gasp! actually won't stay that way sayeth the weather forecast ...) late morning today and i made slow (VERY SLOW -- it's an ART FORM) laps around the pool. i loved it. i breathed my mantra i'm WORKING VERY HARD ON THIS SUMMER (RIGHT NOW):

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. - Tao Te Ching

today i take my new, super dumbed-down "resume" (used to be a CV [sniff]; now it has BULLETS) to five restaurants in downtown minneapolis. two of them on the phone said yesterday they were hiring. i find myself looking forward to waitressing ... oddly happy about it all. i'll let you know ...

south carolina everyone: i miss you. i feel so far away. anyone is welcome to come visit, anytime. they PROMISE the leaves will be here soon ...

patiently waiting ...

i've been waiting and waiting and waiting until my glorious cousin alison posted on her own blog about her BRAND-NEW BABY BORN LAST WEEK, 4/30: TALLACK RICHARD OASE (6.3 oz, 20 1/4"), and then i finally talked to her today and she said i didn't need to wait!!! well, i clearly don't know the blogging protocol here (ack!), but i was freaked about putting pictures up before she did. (anyhoo, she did finally get to check her email and post last night, so any reservations i had ARE GONE).

between alison and her lovely twin bridget (see my houston post about visiting them last fall), i have had so many INCREDIBLE PICTURES to choose from to post here. (tallack is seriously one of the cutest babies i've ever seen -- those LIPS! he totally has his mother's scarlet johanssen lips.) my favorite pics were these ones of his mother right after he's born where she's crying with happiness (and in the pic here her husband jergen has tears in his eyes, too!) ... made me cry with happiness. [sniff!] oh! babies! new lives! new everythings! (see my old post about this crazy-baby-love i have) ... i'm already so excited to see tal this summer and kiss him all over and snuggle him and eat his toes and rock him and burp him ...

CONGRATULATIONS, SWEET COUSIN! i'm full of awe and impressed beyond belief! you DID IT.

on loving

i ran across mildred loving's death yesterday, but didn't read the statement by mrs. loving until today, and it literally brought tears to my eyes. mildred and her husband, richard, changed history when they challenged (and successfully overturned!) the supreme court's ban on interracial marriage in 1967.

PLEASE read mildred's statement "loving for all" if you have time. it is heartwarming and uplifting, and she wrote it last year on the 40th anniversary of the supreme court's ruling in her favor.

mrs. sophia

there's SO MUCH i want to tell you about the crackpot/wonderful mrs. sophia, but i'm in kind of a time crunch (see previous post), so i will sum up:

she asked to see my palms, then told me to make two wishes. i did. then she said i had to tell her one of them. i did (it was "i want to have kids"). she barely glanced at my palms and then went into what clearly sounded like a schtick speech about how i she could see i had a long life line and i was a kind- (and "tender"??) hearted person who was very generous, very loving, but that i also wasn't afraid to speak my mind and tell people "like it is." hmmm ... OK.

then she did what appeared to be a series of pronouncements that were very vague, like "you're confused about love," which is sort of true (as in: i don't have any), and said she could tell someone loved me very much but had a bad way of showing it. another of her pronouncements was, "i can sense you're upset with something in your home. there's something wrong with your home right now." i explained that yes, that was true ... because i didn't have a home (etc.). this seemed to confirm her suspicions, and she said not to worry it wouldn't be this way for long.

bomb 1: then she said i would have four children. i honestly have no idea where this came from. how does she know i want a houseful of kids? (i mean, i said i wanted kids as one of my wishes, but where did she come up with four? i've always said i wanted 4-5 kids. which is kind of unusual -- how did she KNOW??? and more importantly: this will happen?? HALLELUJAH!). she said i would have two girls and two boys.

[BTW: mrs. sophia essentially stopped looking at my palms after the first minute or so. i got the distinct impression the "palm reading" was just a front for her ... psychic-ness. she has three adult children and told me later while we were just talking that she can't "read" for them. that it's a bad idea and she can't seem to do it anyway, because she's too close to them. so although at the beginning of my "reading" i thought she was a hack, by the end she seemed pretty psychic.]

bomb 2: she said i would meet someone sooner than i was expecting, she thinks very soon -- within the next month, even. (holy shit). i said i was going to minnesota and didn't want to meet anyone there because i don't want to live there. she shrugged, smiling, and said, "you might not live there." she was pretty insistent on this point, actually, and said i should call her (it's not a 1-900 #, in case you're wondering) if it wasn't true. she said i would be surprised.

funny thing: mrs. sophia said everything was going to be just fine for me, that everything i'm worried about now would work out. she saw a good life for me, and that i would be happy. she really stressed this; that what i'm going through right now is just temporary and not to worry.

i can't explain why this comforts me. why this comforts me more coming from a semi-legit psychic than from my family and friends. (i think it's like my students say, "don't get your best friend to watch you practice your speech because they always tell you it's great even if it isn't").

[in case you're curious, my friend who went with me and got her reading before me had some similar pronouncements about her character, but mrs. sophia accurately guessed my friend did sales (true!), and that her calling was to do counseling/teaching (which my friend has wanted to do for years). my friend also got told she would only have two kids, which unbeknownest (or was it???) to mrs. sophia, is exactly how many she wants. she also could tell my friend had come out of a long relationship and had just entered a new one.]

so, all in all, it was a good experience. VERY COMFORTING. i don't know yet if she's a hack. i'll let you know if i meet someone in the next month or so, lol. and if he wants to jump into baby-making, which, considering that i'm 30, means if i'm going to have my four kids, i better start soon.

t-minus five ...

five days left in south carolina.

five days left to pack up my house and put 99% of it in a storage unit (which i finally got, btw, from a crazy man who rides a motorcycle with his dog elsa on the front. he also rents elsa out as a "therapy dog" he mentioned to me. twice. i told him thanks, but i get enough therapy from my own dogs).

last night i finally started packing. and to my surprise, it went incredibly slower than i expected, which was scary. i have 10 SMALL BOXES OF BOOKS. i don't even have that many books, really, as i moved here with like, a dozen total. jesus. mainly i moved things around from one pile to another place, mumbling to myself about whether i should throw it away, take it to the thrift store, or keep it. (battery charger for AA batteries? keep. old headphones i never use that are half-broken? toss. 20 tall candles??? basket of office supplies that has been generally ignored for the last two years?? saran wrap????)

hopefully this is not how it will go for the rest of the packing ...

but i'm in such a weird situation. i'm not moving to another house. i'm living with my parents for the summer and taking just the bare necessities (clothes, bathroom stuff -- dogs!), and then everything else goes to storage for god only knows ... because ...

MY (STEP) MOM JUST GOT A TEACHING JOB IN INDIA FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS!!

and she's going to make loads of money and it sounds like a wonderful job and she paid a search agency to find her a teaching abroad job and she had over 75 to choose from and i'm soooooo excited for her and maybe i should do the same thing except that's not really what i was looking to do right now with my life but i do love living in foreign countries and fuck i can't seem to find a job that pays anything good in this part of the world (on the ocean) and so i am in a total state of NOT KNOWING AND THAT IS KILLING ME.

[ahem.] fortunately today, as a brief respite from the packing, errands, etc. a girlfriend and i are going to a palm reader, so maybe this will clear some things up. (BECAUSE DID I ALSO EVER MENTION THAT I LEARNED A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT MY 'LIFE LINE' AND MY 'LOVE LINES' DO NOT INTERSECT ON EITHER OF MY TWO PALMS???? no wonder my love life is a disaster and i will never get married and have children and settle down anywhere. it's not in my destiny. but maybe i'm doing it wrong and so hopefully "mrs. sophia" can clear THIS up today, too).

i'll let you know.

i'm already missing where i am right now.

i just liked this

silly and a little trite, but still charming. i love stencil graffiti. saw it at swissmiss, from STNCLRVLTN (gallery broken?).

lower approval than nixon ... after watergate

first graf of this cnn story:

"A new poll suggests that President Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history."

it goes on to say that a whopping 71% of americans disapprove of how dubya is doing as president. this is the highest disapproval rating in monthly polls since truman was president (apparently gallup did exist and was polling before truman, but not monthly).

reminded me of the stephen colbert speech at the 2006 white house correspondents' dinner where he ripped bush a new one. [from back when bush's disapproval rating was at a stellar 68%]:

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality'. And reality has a well-known liberal bias. ... Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half-empty, because 32% means it's two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

the democratic race in 7 minutes

meh. in case you couldn't tell, i stopped posting about all of my man obama's wins/losses in this primary season. CAMPAIGN FATIGUE a little much? when will it end, lord??? christ. and now his national lead is slipping???? wtf, my man? i need something new and vibrant and refreshing here from you. let's not see hillary take this one just because she wins at mud-slinging and with stamina (we know the woman HAS THIS if she has remained married to bill for so long).

anyhoodle, in case you wanted a very funny, charming recap of what the democratic primary race has been like, slate did a cute, watchable (and speedy!) video of it all. [was i the last person to know that aragorn was a kucinich supporter?? lol. i love the mike gravel "footage," too ... cracked me up.]

open letter to my intestinal tract

dear stomach, small intestine, and colon:

OK, i "get it." i should not have left that half of vegetarian sandwich (which i added turkey to) in the warm/hot car for four hours friday night before i refrigerated it. i should then not have proceeded to eat this half-sandwich for a late lunch saturday. i know, the avocado was brown and the other fixings didn't look their best anymore, but it tasted FINE, OK?

well, "my bad." you really let me have it all day yesterday, didn't you? starting at around 5 a.m. with the severe cramping, and then the NEVERENDING diarrhea, and then the violent projectile vomiting? yes, thanks, i learned my lesson. i didn't get to grade hardly anything between all the running to the bathroom and the near-fainting, the horrible sweating and multiple naps i had to take because i couldn't hardly stand up. at least i didn't have a headache!

and you almost fooled me! you crazy intestinal tract, you! lol. yes, when i was finally able to keep down gatorade and coffee and some food around 5 p.m. yesterday, i honestly thought WE WERE ALL DONE with this ugly chapter. sure, the food was sitting like a rock in my stomach but so what? IT WAS STAYING PUT.

and now. monday morning. in 35 minutes i have to go have office hours and start all the grading i should've gotten done yesterday. but YOU'RE NOT DONE YET??? WTF, colon? i'm keeping my coffee down, but this stuff going on down in your nether-region?? please CUT THIS SHIT OUT, jesus. i really don't have time to run to the toilet this much. and while i appreciate it you're maybe helping me lose a pound or two (or five, christ), this is just UNACCEPTABLE.

so, again, i just wanted to make sure you knew that i did learn my lesson about proper food temperature/storage, but also that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH already. i really don't want to be too graphic here, but crapping water for more than 24 hours is PLENTY.

please cease and desist this whole "food poisoning" production effective immediately.

yours sincerely,
:) sylvia

anti-climax

so last night i taught my last class of the year, my last class at this university. i ordered pizzas for the students who showed up and we listened to (again) lots of persuasive speeches on such wildly varying topics as "why you should wash your hands more often" (totally freaked us all out and [shudder] behind her on a screen was a slideshow of images that included, among other things, a freeze-frame of a sneeze, and weird black-light-esque pics of hands covered in bacteria), "why the blue laws should be abolished," and "why the BCS should switch to a playoffs system." i didn't tell them it was my last class at this school. this was a nice class, but not a very sentimental one on the whole.

what's odd is that i wasn't sad or even giddy or even ANYTHING. i suppose a psychologist might say i had kind of a "flat affect" about the whole last week, the whole last class. i mean, i did have emotion (i smiled, nodded during the speeches, etc) ... but i just didn't seem to care. which is sad in itself. maybe it's the stress right now. too many other things to think about?

well. there are those few other things. like finding a storage unit, come to think about, if this is still even possible at this late date ... in fact, i better go, get to this now ...

[see?? see how it's like i can't even be nostalgic? SO ODD for me. i'm also a bit sick of all of them, the students, to be honest. not that i don't love them. i do. but their emails! my GOD. their emails make me insane with their stupid questions i've answered and addressed 7,000 times already in class and if i get one more email asking about how to do this last assignment or where the speech lab is, i might snap.]

in a totally unrelated jump ...

this is a riot: scientists say menstrual blood can repair hearts. this is SUCH GREAT NEWS. to think of all of the precious heart-repairing blood though, that i waste each month. (and in my case, it's too bad it does nothing for the figuratively damaged/broken heart ...) how hilarious would it be if women [cough. me?] started saving their own menstrual blood in their freezers for the possibility it might be useful in the future??? THINK OF WHAT THIS FREEZER WOULD LOOK LIKE, AND IF SOME GUEST WAS OVER AND WENT TO GET AN ICE CUBE FOR A COCKTAIL. what if this guest was a guy you were on a date with????? i love it. the guy's freezer from hell.

To Do List

1. finish grading and hand back 1.3 million papers (because this is last week i see my students. next week is finals and there are no classes--my students don't have a final with me).

2. write the final version of this stupid curriculum stuff i said i would do (and am doing with a colleague; a colleague who, btw, has canceled all her classes this week ...) for the department. for a stipend. half of which, due to some asinine tax law, gets lost before it gets to my paycheck. this needs to be done by wednesday or so. lol.

3. continue to watch, and then grade, the 150 student speeches that started last week and go through this week. and we had so many disasters, sick people, etc. that were scheduled to go last week but then had to push back to this, the LAST POSSIBLE WEEK TO DELIVER YOUR SPEECH, that each class is going to TAKE FOREVER. (i joke with them, "i can sit here all night watching you give speeches. you guys know i have no life." which is [cough] true. but it doesn't mean i'm not insanely busy. i don't tell them that part.)

4. then, in less than two weeks, review and submit final grades for my 150 students. my stomach knots just thinking about this.

5. find a mini-storage unit in my town for my belongings. i decided not to take anything except clothes and pets up north for summer because even though GOD KNOWS I WILL NEVER LIVE IN THIS PART OF THE STATE (this little town devoid of all art and culture) AGAIN, there's no point in dragging it up north, and then dragging it back again to whatever respective warm teaching position i find. (i'm looking for something on the ocean without 9 months of winter each year. minnesota loses in both these vital categories).

6. speaking of which, and this really should be #1 on list: FIND A GODDAMN JOB FOR THE FALL. no, i haven't heard anything back (anything good anyway) from anywhere. no, i don't know what i'm doing. no, i don't even have any good "leads" at the moment. SIGH. please don't ask me about this. i'll let you know if i hear anything, i promise. i'm applying and searching for things all time. i get my hopes up ALL THE TIME. for nothing, apparently. it gets increasingly depressing.

7. pack up entire house. hahahahaha. i'm only living here for less than three weeks now. have i started packing things? do i even have A BOX??? are you kidding me?? i did, i should add here, buy packing tape at the grocery store last night. this is a start. maybe i'm in denial. maybe i'm stressed and busy beyond measure. maybe i ... just need to get some freaking boxes.

8. find a sub-leaser. so i don't have to pay june and july rent. because i'm breaking my lease. fuck.

9. [insert here all the million other things, such as getting dogs and cats their flea treatments, taking care of parking tickets, taking care of terminating HR stuff, having meetings and more meetings, figuring out the morass of healthcare "this is not a bill" bills piling up from my two freaking neurologist visits, changing addresses, seeing about getting prescription pills for summer, seeing my dear friends before i leave this state ... sigh.]

10. oh yeah: find a job in minnesota for the summer. i really don't want to be a temp again. i'd rather waitress full-time or eat broken glass shards than be a temporary secretary 40 hours a week, because that might really put me over the edge. (i think i'm standing there right now anyway, peering over and debating).

so, i'm not going to be posting for awhile. my cousin bridget sent me this hilarious video yesterday (below) and if you either a) know any engineers, and/or b) know any cats, you will laugh your ass off. now i'm going to go have a small nervous breakdown and then get started on my list.

an engineer's guide to cats

my ovaries cry themselves to sleep

"Delaying pregnancy can carry consequences." not a news flash BY ANY MEANS, SO THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, CNN, FOR THE GAZILLIONTH TIME, that for whatever unholy reason (am i one of obama's "bitter" ones? maybe. but i don't cling to guns or religion. i don't feel bitter about MOST things) i am unable to find a mate willing to procreate with me.

like I WANT TO FREAKING DELAY A PREGNANCY, cnn. shit. i am five minutes away from robbing a sperm bank at butter-knife-point. in case you don't believe me, see my pathetic litany of posts on this subject here, here, here, here and here for christ's sake. (SIGH) ... I HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE "CONSEQUENCES" of waiting too long since i was 20 and was just trying to be nice and responsible and possibly be married (stupid in retrospect -- i totally should've just lied to someone and said i was on The Pill. hindsight!)]

also, there is this DIRE WARNING from the movie idiocracy about WAITING TOO LONG to get pregnant (watch clip below here!). the movie itself was so-so, but the premise was hilarious: due to the over-procreation of dumb people, the world evolves into a super-idiocracy in the future (where people just watch stupid gross-out reality TV and springer-esque talkshows, masturbating all day long; their crops have all failed because they forgot how agriculture works [they were watering them with a powerade-type drink, lol]).


well, at least i have some cool, smart friends and family doing their part. i would love to be a foster parent or adopt, without a doubt! and i heard that women who (miraculously) do manage to conceive an older ages have longer life expectancies, so that's good ... i'm trying to be positive here, see? see me trying to be positive???

"when i am rich ..."

"when i am rich" ... well, this is a stupid thought. but it's entertaining, isn't it? it involves many "I WILL CERTAINLY NOT"s and "i'll definitely"s. [one of of the "I WILL CERTAINLY NOT"s includes getting a full-time nanny. another one is getting an SUV, and yet another is stopping buying the majority of my clothes and/or furniture from thrift stores and garage sales. oh, i have a long list of how i will be a tasteful, down-to-earth, bohemian rich person, lol. pottery barn and the like can go screw themselves. (if i see one more robin's-egg-and-brown combo i may projectile vomit).]

topping off the incredibly LONG LIST of "i'll definitely"s (in close proximity to making giant financial contributions to ALL my favorite global and local causes, AND paying someone to hold my ashtray on his head, duh) is BUYING COOL ART I FALL IN LOVE WITH AT FIRST SIGHT. oh, how.

mmm ... i hadn't been to one of my FAVORITE design sites, swissmiss, in awhile, but it has tons of awesome stuff up on it at the moment, including this artwork (below) that SUNG TO ME FOR NO APPARENT REASON. or well, for lots of very apparent (hello? i live in crazyville. bienvenidos a mi pueblo) reasons. this is the link to the artist's site, miraruido -- LOVE love love it all.

for the record ...

... i'm not an atheist. but i got this link from a friend and it's still pretty damn funny:

"Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast"

random racism?

so this just happened a few seconds ago:

[on door: KNOCK KNOCK. cue hyper dogs. fortunately one was eating in the crate and the other one (after three weeks of a barking collar, praise jesus) is much, much quieter.]

[i open door and hold back hyper/quiet dog, and see a skinny, late-20s dude with short red hair, acne, a lame goatee, khakis, and a zip-up fleece over a nice dress shirt. his white mini-van is parked up on the street. he's holding some kind of card in his hand.]

me: hello?

ginger boy [insert polite southern twang here]: hey, i'm sorry to bother you ... uh, is laqueesha here?

me: laqueesha?

ginger: yeah, does she live here?

me: no, she doesn't. sorry. [i'm struggling with dog now. he's going progressively berserk-er.]

ginger [glances at neighbor's door, connected to my house]: does she by any chance live there?

me: no, there's no one by that name living in this house. i'm sorry, i don't know her. [dog claws dig into my foot. in my head i blame ginger dude.]

ginger: ok, so no colored woman lives here?

me: . . .

[pause. did he really just say that? i look at him again. no. he's not 100 years old. WTF??]

me: uh. no.

ginger: all right then, sorry to have bothered you! thanks! bye now!

me: bye.

i would really like to editorialize here but it's all too recent ... there is SO much to do with this, i just don't know where to fucking start, my good god. i think i'll just leave it alone, let you faithful four commenters have fun ... [it's actually pretty sad.]

OMG, mcsweeney's you DID NOT!

I LOVE IT!!
OTHER DANGEROUS EVENTS HILLARY CLINTON EXPERIENCED AS FIRST LADY

you know i love mcsweeney's to death. sometimes it's milk-out-your-nose hilarious and some days the entries are so-so or just not funny.

but with all the drama over hillary's giant bold-faced lie concerning her visit to tuzla, bosnia (i.e., she says she was under sniper fire and had to "run to [her] cars" when really she just walked out of the plane smiling with chelsea and hugging people like every other visit), i'm pretty surprised mcsweeney's would publish a politically-charged piece ... such an ANTI-HILLARY (ergo, PRO-OBAMA, [since god knows they can't be republican] PIECE).

love it. check it out. (the mental picture i have of her under sniper fire while noticing socks missed the litter box is priceless).

surprised much?

according to this yahoo article, a study of 781 adolescents (15-18) done by the university of minnesota's school of public health found that teenagers who have their own TV in their bedrooms generally watch more TV on average than do other teens (who would've ever thought?), exercise less, eat crappier food, eat fewer meals with their families, and have lower GPAs on average.

two interesting things to note here in the findings:
1. no correlation with obesity and personal bedroom TVs
2. TVs in teen bedrooms show up more frequently in lower-income homes, and decrease in frequency as income levels go up

hmm ... those of you who know me know my thoughts about TV, and i could write a book about TV. TV isn't bad in itself. it's really not. some shows are wonderful -- educational, enlightening, hysterically funny [hello, the daily show, the office and 30 rock and there are certainly others but i haven't seen them ...] and some shows are just A REALLY GREAT FUCKING ESCAPE FROM REALITY WHEN THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

so, i don't hate on people who watch TV. i like TV a lot sometimes. kids can learn great things from PUBLIC TELEVISION and other neat movies and shows (in moderation). when you're a busy parent, TV can be a godsend. (when i was a nanny we watched aladdin [pieces of it] almost every single day. so they would nap, praise the lord. that's just how THOSE KIDS rolled ...)

we had sola una TV in my house in the living room growing up, and we could only watch one hour a day. seriously. this lasted until ... my parents stopped caring (oh, high school?), and by then it didn't matter because i didn't care much for TV anyway.

and something stuck, people. maybe i'm a case study? because now i'm an adult and i don't have a TV, haven't for years, and don't miss it in general. i don't take comfort in the background noise of a TV the way a lot of people do (actually, i kind of hate TV noise). i can't study around a TV on, or work when one is on. (because duh, when we watched TV when i was growing up, WE WATCHED IT, lol. since we only had an hour a day WE PAID ATTENTION when it was on).

the last couple weeks i was at a young colleague's house to have work meetings about curriculum we're designing. we met at her kitchen table, right by her living room ... and right by her giant TV. ok. except she left her TV on when we got started. and i was facing it. holy christ i was IN A STATE. i mean, the SOUND WAS ON AND UP and everything. i couldn't stop looking at it. it dawned on me there was something wrong with me if i couldn't do both these things at once. finally after i made one too many comments on the home improvement show (make your own duvet for less by buying a cheap sewing machine and two bedsheets?? WTF??? JUST BUY A DUVET, OK?), i think said colleague got my hint i couldn't multi-task and finally turned it off. thank god. and the next week it happened again, except it was her BF playing really loud video games. holy shit. i'm not kidding. she lives with that, i realize. how can people work around that??? something must be wrong with me.

[sigh.] the teenagers. i'd like to think those with TVs in their bedrooms are developing some super-hero powers of multi-tasking ability i somehow missed, but alas: SURVEY SAYS NO. they're just NOT.

but somehow i suspect the lower-income parents who put the damn TVs in their kids' rooms in the first place might not be worried if their kids are drinking mountain dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and aren't worried if junior's GPA gets him into college or not. these families might be too busy with other things ... if they do sit together for dinner, it's probably around another TV in the house, anyway ...

i think it matters because teenagers (bless them) know everything (clearly. if you know one this is old news: they KNOW EVERYTHING), and yet they are still children and like children they need, more than ever, to know that someone is LISTENING to them and someone values their thoughts and opinions. i think teenagers need quality time with a parent just as much as a child does, and (in my humble opinion, as usual i'm full of ideas here) a TV DOES NOT LISTEN AND DOES NOT HUG AND KISS THEM AND SAY "WOW, YOUR DAY SUCKED. TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT WHILE WE WALK THE DOG. YOU GO GRAB THE LEASH AND I'LL CHANGE MY SHOES."

LOL!

i'm sitting here alone at 7:30-something a.m., literally Laughing Out Loud (not really that unusual ...) at myself, or, well ... the big white envelope sitting here next to the laptop. [now i'm really laughing. :)] because the big white A4-sized (leftover from four years ago in europe; glue was pointless so it's uh, taped closed) envelope is addressed to none other than

GEORGE CLOONEY.

no shit! LMAO!

[i guess i never mentioned my GINORMOUS crush on this man, did i??? damn you sarah larson!!]

just kidding. haha. [thank god i have enough stamps at home to take care of this in private and do not have to take my giant taped envelope addressed to GEORGE CLOONEY to the post office for weighing/stamps because i think i might die of embarrassment to see the looks i get from the PO employees as i wander in, clad in my sweater/robe/yoga pants/clogs outfit with what is clearly stalker mail, lol.]

AHEM. the envelope contains a polite card to señor clooney and a pre-addressed (also old, A4 ...) envelope ...

to my grandmother in florida.

my grandma has had a SERIOUS crush on george for a long time now. she dreams about him on a pretty regular basis (or so i assume, because every time i visit she tells me about yet another "george clooney dream"), which is of course, wonderful, dear, and absolutely hilarious to me. she has lived alone in an upscale senior apartment in florida for the last decade since my grandpa died, and ever since i first heard about these clooney dreams, years ago, i took to calling her body pillow "george." sometimes the dreams are pretty normal, like she and george (the man, not the pillow) are just making dinner at her place or something, but sometimes they're doing something more fun -- on a cruise together! (also pretty normal for my grandma, really -- or at least, it used to be. she used to "cruise" once or twice a year ... now she's less mobile and stays in more).

grandma jo's going to be 90 in june. i love her so much. i need to call her more often. i hear from my dad she's been pretty down lately. what i'm hoping is that george will find the time to address an autographed picture to her or something, and it will brighten her day. cross your fingers celebrities still do this kind of thing ...

here's a pic of us from my thanksgiving trip to visit her in 2006. [why am i sitting on her tiny lap?? i'm probably crushing her poor legs (she's shrunk to like, 4'10" now) and she's only smiling because she's thinking of george and how any minute now my fat ass will get off of her.]:

unrelated gripe ...

from GIANT NIGHTMARE WAR IN IRAQ to whining about college students ... quite the perspective shift, huh? one. thing. at. a. time.

in the span of the last hour (no shit) i received TWO student emails saying "reply ASAP." now, i know i've complained before about how the advent of email (perhaps coupled with today's overly narcissistic youth, depending on who you ask) has wrought a generation of college students who expect they can miss class and then just casually ask you "what did we do in class?"

BUT "reply ASAP"???? who tells a teacher to do this??

are you kidding me, lol? [i am, actually, Laughing Out Loud, at this very moment.] it's too absurd.

what's even more absurd is that I DID REPLY. instead of just ignoring their stupid emails. because i felt bad for them. even though they were rude and so on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ENABLING THIS KIND OF THING???

i might have to address this in class. except i don't want to embarrass these two (seriously) very sweet young ladies, who apparently just have no idea that "reply ASAP" is impolite and crazy.

advice, my four dear readers?

BODY OF WAR

WATCH THIS PREVIEW (below). phil donahue and ellen spiro teamed up to co-direct the documentary, body of war about one young iraq war veteran's story, from his initial enlistment after 9/11/01 to fight the terrorists in afghanistan, to his paralyzing injury in iraq five days after he got there, to his decision to speak up and out against this unjust and immoral war since his recovery (which is ongoing) after he got home.

thomas young's story is unique and startling, but it's also demonstrably inclusive -- he has a younger brother who's currently doing his third tour right now, and he's a third generation army veteran. his family is split in their attitude toward the war, yet they manage like we all do: loving each other and supporting each others' opinions and experiences. (i learned a lot more about this movie by watching this bill moyers interview with donahue and spiro; it's long but engrossing and highly valuable to see).

body of war


P.S.! eddie vedder composed original music for the documentary and thomas even worked on a cool compilation CD of songs that include some of vedder's (as well as many others) to raise money for Iraq Veterans Against the War. [i just bought the CD, mostly for the beautiful vedder songs ... i'll let you know -- also includes ben harper, bad religion, RATM, bright eyes, and kimya dawson, among others]

if you'd like to know of a peace vigil near you, or even a war protest you can take part in, try this website first: American Friends Service Committee's wage peace calendar (quakers rock, btw). i just (very conveniently) emailed a woman nearby about an upcoming event, and [cough!] mentioned something about organizing one in clemson ...

WHY AREN'T YOU ANGRY ABOUT THIS WAR? WHY DON'T YOU MIND IT? (i can't explain why for the last few weeks it has been CONSUMING me. i think and think about it and cry and get upset and get angry and cry and maybe there's something else going on) BUT DAMNIT! over 4,000 soldiers dead, over 29,000 wounded and OVER 89,000 (the very conservative estimate -- some put it at over 1,000,000) IRAQI CIVILIANS KILLED.

HOW CAN WE SIT STILL ANY LONGER? HOW CAN WE? HOW?

i don't know. i don't know why it took this long for me to FEEL IT.

that time of the semester again ...

GOOD LORD. there are not enough hours in the day. it's like i finish a big chunk of grading and then HOLY CRAP I TEACH FOR A WEEK or two and then they turn in more stuff or do more presentations and i can see how it's going to be this neverending spiral of grading and more grading until the semester ends in five weeks. five weeks! how can that be???

so i apologize for not posting. i would like to post. i would. but right now i'm scrambling. in fact, i shouldn't even be posting right now. i need to grade. and design this curriculum stuff i've had three weeks to do but let sit and the deadline is [cough] tomorrow.

(i've got to run. the beagle is back. maybe. she slipped out of my fingers this morning when i was letting the dogs out at [cough. again.] 5 a.m. and i hear her outside in the dead kudzu, rustling. she's a shifty one, lulu. damn her. it's some kind of trap. the dead kudzu is also filled with her own fecal matter. she knows i won't chase her there ...)

it was a ruse. lulu was just toying with me. by the time i got out there to shake the cat food bowl (like a dog whistle of sorts), she had disappeared into the woods again. damnit lulu! i don't have time for this today! (meanwhile, one of the cats came running right up to me. the unfriendly one. i was all, "uh, hi pekka. my, you're being friendly. i'm confused. now go away. oh, ok, here's some of your own food. now please go away. lulu? lulu? LULU????")

um, yes, it's the economy's fault i'm moving home for the summer at the age of 30 ...

but at least i'm not doing it at 52, like the woman in this AP-yahoo article. good lord. but it may as well be. 30, 52 -- what's the difference, really?

the article is saying that our struggling economy is to blame for the lack of jobs, money, etc., and that's why so many people (e.g., ME) are moving BACK HOME AFTER THEY SPECIFICALLY MADE A PACT WITH A FRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL (senior year, to be exact) THAT WE HAD THE RIGHT TO SHOOT EACH OTHER IN THE HEAD IF EITHER OF US WAS LIVING AT HOME PAST THE AGE OF 25. (well. i just hope i don't run into this friend while i'm living with my parents this summer. and waitressing full-time. and i hope she still doesn't support the NRA).

but honestly AP-yahoo writer: it's MY FAULT i'm moving home, not the economy's. most people have done smarter things with their money by now. i have NOT. most people can afford to be unemployed for a summer. NOT ME. the other people living with their parents? like me, they're also weird losers who have made poor financial decisions and are perhaps a little too close (emotionally, financially) to their families. (i, on the other hand, have separated myself geographically from my family for YEARS, because THEY LIVE IN THE TUNDRA, duh).

i honestly can't wait to get home for the summer! mostly because i can't wait to see all my mothers and sisters and brothers and dads and cousins and friends again. i love being around their energy so much.

so. i am slowly getting over the stigma of being 30 and living at home for the summer ... slowly. i don't know if that's good or not. but i have to get over it anyway.

THAT'S THE THING: there's a lot to just GET OVER, ANYWAY. get over it, me! (it's like i have to remind myself 500 times a week: "who cares what people think? who cares what you were supposed to have done? be happy for now. work to change what you can change.")

[sigh.] i'm trying.

speaking of peace:

yep. [insert incredibly proud smile here.] i just got emailed this picture today, coincidentally.

that's my sister, lydia, somewhat hidden on the left of the yellow "SAY NO TO WAR IN IRAQ" sign, my mama lauri on the right of the sign with her fist raised (or is she waving? hard to tell in winter gear), and my dad, tim, in front of the yellow sign with a (don't ask, please) leather fedora-style hat he likes and his own white peace sign flag.

my dad protests the war every single saturday of the year: rain, snow, sleet ... -20F ... whatever. my sisters (julia's not pictured here) usually go with him when they're home. i'm embarrassed to admit (gulp- as i did here in this january post) that i haven't been to protest with him once on a trip back to MN. mom goes when she feels like it (e.g., when she's not sleeping or painting).

i believe in peace; i just don't work for it. (sickening, isn't it?) i will try to be a good peace protester when i go home to live this summer. but it's easy to protest when it's sunny and warm outside ... and so my dad will know i'm a fake, not as committed to peace as i should be (well, i'm sure he already knows this, frankly). i see now that suicide is my only option when the rest of your family is so wonderful. and i don't mean this snidely (for once i'm not being sarcastic): they are the best people around. oh! i love them all so much! such big hearts.

almost too late with this one ...

thursday is drawing to a close. (more about my mansion retreat another day). today is the first day of spring! and more importantly:

today is the 50th anniversary of one of my favorite symbols!

common dreams is a wonderful (molto progressive) news website, and their article on the peace sign's creation and evolution here, is a fascinating one.

you might not have known that:

^ the peace sign was created not as an upside-down broken cross (as many insist), but instead was created by juxtaposing the semaphore (flag-signaling) letters for N and D -- for Nuclear Disarmament, which is why it was created in england in the first place (the circle around them was for the earth).

^ the south african government tried to ban its use by apartheid opponents in 1973.

^ the peace sign briefly appeared on lucky strike cigarette packs (why?? someone show me one. i'll switch brands if lucky strike is a peace-loving tobacco company. and no, that doesn't HAVE TO BE a contradiction in terms).

northern sun is an awesome liberal (i hate to use the word "progressive" twice in one post) minneapolis store/catalog business that also has a website with loads of neat stuff for peaceniks and rebels, hippies and ... (well, i was going to say "hipsters," but that's not really true. most of their stuff is for hippies). bless them. so go take a look if you suddenly feel compelled to buy a peace flag or sticker or t-shirt or onesie or coffee mug or poster ...

HERE'S TO A SPRING AND SUMMER OF PEACE! FIVE YEARS IN IRAQ IS FIVE YEARS TOO LONG! bring the troops home now! enough is enough!

au revoir mes amies!

this is Le Beach Mansion (location undisclosed and photo slightly blurry for security reasons, DUH), circa november 2007. it's where i'll be for the next SIX DAYS. my emailing will be sporadic at best, and i doubt i'll be blogging at all. [the girl in the photo is a friend i miss and have been meaning to call (poker shark extraordinaire AND gorgeous attorney, jessica).]

you can't tell from this photo, but if jessica turned and looked at the camera, she'd also be looking straight at the atlantic ocean, just down a private boardwalk from the house, past the yard ... (the infinity pool is so cleverly built in to the deck it's almost impossible to find in this photo. almost. did i mention it has a hot tub built-in to it, too?)














the entire top row of windows is a huge beautiful suite we affectionately call the "crow's nest," and it's where i'll be sleeping because i'm the early riser of the group. notice i have my own private balcony facing the sea, bitches! i mean: mes amies - my sweet friends who can't join me this time.

so if you have my number, feel free to call me, but don't be surprised if i sound a little ... uhm, giddy in the early afternoon. or the morning for that matter. (i'm not a lush, seriously. i like to joke about going on vacation and getting drunk in the morning and then i do it once and am hungover by 2 p.m. and am totally sorry i tried that). OK, so don't be surprised if all i sound is incredibly HAPPY AND CONTENT AND TAN AND YOU HEAR WAVES IN THE BACKGROUND, perhaps a beagle snoring ...

[this feast of pleasure is owed directly to my dearest friends g & j, and their loving generosity. (as well as that of j's sister - ahem!) g & j could've decided to spend their spring break completely sequestered at this beach paradise, and instead they chose to invite their friends for the duration. they're letting me bring my goddamn dogs, even. bless them. words aren't enough, here, to express my gratitude ... i'm going to have get creative here since they don't need money or sexual favors and they have wildly varying food palates ... hmm ...]

oh christ this is sad

a tragic example of when love crosses the line and becomes "enabling":

"Phobia causes woman's 2-year bathroom stay" from cnn. her boyfriend brought her food and water and everything there, literally ON THE TOILET. her skin grew around the seat. oh, my god that's sad. wow. wow. wow. (and apparently they had "normal conversations" whatever in god's name these could be. "so, your day was ... pretty much the same? like yesterday's? oh really? a fly got in? that's cool! no? it's not?? damn. i'm sorry. yeah, i'll get you some more TP soon, i promise honey.")

i might go cry now. my life could be much, much worse. check out their house ...

more hugs!

i did a post in january about how i showed this DMB hug video to my classes, and i forgot one of my students showed me this other cool "free hugs campaign" video later. it's awesome! (see below). i'm not head-over-heels for the song, but it's still an awesome little youtube video to make you happy.

so, since it's looking like i might not have a job in the fall and i'm back to not knowing what i'm doing with my life (but i'm strangely not worried about this. i probably should be), i'm already thinking i might sell everything i own and travel the world giving out free hugs. of course, i haven't worked out the logistics of food (and uh, the "travel" part) per se, but maybe there's a grant for this somewhere ...

enjoy! who doesn't need more hugs?

"free hugs campaign" - song by sick puppies

checked out

last friday night during the post-eggers bar gathering (a completely overwhelming, pretentious and hysterical group of primarily english faculty, english grad students, with the occasional theater-history-me person thrown in for good measure), a colleague from another department started complaining that her students had totally "checked out" for spring break (THIS STARTS IN THREE DAYS NOW, BTW).

she went on to say that it's ridiculous because we still had so many days left (well, she was talking about last week, and yes, there's this week, too ... but does this week even count? the week of classes before spring break IS ROUGH) and the students should be more focused and what's wrong with them, blah blah ... i could barely focus myself on what she was saying.

BECAUSE ONCE SHE SAID THE WORDS "SPRING BREAK" I, TOO, CHECKED OUT.

i just nodded at her words sympathetically. like i could see where she was coming from. even though now i was just staring at her mouth move, bless her (it was a very neat mouth, to be honest: big lips and teeth). i was miles away already ... on the beach, on the beach mansion's (where i'll be, thanks to my dear friends) ginormous deck-with-infinity-pool facing the ocean, drinking mimosas and coffee for breakfast, then a little fresh fruit ... i'll live in my swimsuit during the daylight hours, not caring about make-up, getting sunburned and taking my dogs for long beach walks ... oh, I COULD GO ON. I COULD. JESUS. BUT I'LL STOP TO SPARE THE REST OF YOU THE AGONY.

but to be honest, my students have seemed pretty "checked in" last week and this week so far. i'm impressed overall. and also: i've had important stuff to cover in our course this week, and they're all engaged and present in the classroom. even me (uh, because i'm teaching it and have to be? no ... because it's important. sigh).

ahhh ... and once i start thinking about spring break during class, fuck, it's all i can do to stay checked in and focused. i think in this instance i sympathize more with the students than the teachers. i don't know. maybe that colleague has weird students. i love mine more every week ... they have seemed a little more excitable than usual in class, but this is generally good. and they listen when they need to.

[but who knows? maybe their eyeballs look to be paying attention, and their questions reflect they've been listening, when REALLY THEY'RE JUST COUNTING THE SECONDS IN THEIR HEADS LIKE FREAKY LITTLE AUTISTIC CARD COUNTERS until class is over. one more class down, only a couple more to go ... not that i'm counting or anything, jesus ...]

me in 30 years?

"70 cats seized from unsanitary home":
Officers said the cats were well fed, but the home was filled with feces and garbage and was unsuitable for not only cats, but also humans.

you hear about houses like this from time to time, either in england or here in the states. fortunately, i also HAVE TWO DOGS. so this can't possibly be me in 30 years:




(yep. that's the recurring character "crazy cat lady" from the simpsons. she has a degree from yale. she throws her cats at people who come on her property ... since we've already established i have two dogs in addition to my two cats AND WE KNOW WELL AND GOOD I WENT TO A STATE SCHOOL AND NOT YALE, this will certainly NOT BE ME in 30 years, right? RIGHT??!?).

dave eggers = awesomebrilliantfunny [long!]

last night was the culminating event in my university's first ever literary festival, and this was a scheduled (FREE) reading/talk given by none other than one of my favorite authors and people in the world, dave eggers.

i first unwittingly ran across dave's work when i was a freshman in college because a cool lecturer of mine lent me all these old copies of this magazine he loved, called "might." i thought might was terribly clever. but at 18 i wasn't very clever and was blown away by the wittiness on display and felt overwhelmed by this ... i didn't know what to make of this genius stuff. then i had other work to do.

years later when i read dave's pulitzer prize-nominated memoir a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, i fell in love with dave, this time for real. er, well, as much as a devoted fan might. i fell in love with his voice, his earnest desire to share his stories and improve the lives of others. and he has this phenomenal sense of humor, christ. [maybe part of my love, too, was that i could see the potential father in him, in how he took care of his brother -- i'm sure young women reading that book fucking SWOONED.] i started reading mcsweeney's online around then (which, as some of you know, i still visit regularly and adore. i post links here from time to time to the ones i find particularly hilarious), too ... i keep hoping the muse will strike me and i'll write something horribly funny and cool and submit it and it will go online there, but so far this hasn't happened yet.

i'll skip ahead now ...

i heard dave was coming to read/speak here, and i LOVED LOVED LOVED his latest novel "what is the what: an autobiography of valentino achak deng" (about the life of one of sudan's "lost boys," from this boy's time both trekking across sudan as a child to the years he spent at refugee camps, to his eventual settlement in the U.S.) when i read it last december, so i HAD to figure out a way to to not only require my 150 students to attend the reading, but to also incorporate the novel in my classes. (click here for the NYT review of the book that encapsulates better than i can on why the book is so profoundly moving).

but the deal is this: i don't teach english anymore. i teach six labs (once-a-week, 2-hr section each) for an intro to human communications course. basically the labs are public speaking (we're working on new curriculum at the moment ... too bad i won't be here to see it go into effect) classes. how to make dave eggers and what is the what part of my public-speaking-human-communication lab???

well, the first part was done for me, incidentally. sort of. the course actually requires students do an "outside speaker critique" and write a paper on a speaker. this is kind of a dumb assignment since we do something better and smarter earlier on in the semester. sooooooo ... what WE did, in my sections, was read excerpts from the book (the preface, a middle part [very dramatic!], and the last chapter out loud in class. this was WAY more fun than it sounds, honestly. because it gave students the opportunity to practice (duh, really) oral skills (completely undervalued in my opinion, i'm not kidding at all), and it fed into our later discussion.

our discussion! these were UNBELIEVABLE in some sections, so-so in others ... the topics and questions we went over were my attempts to relate what is the what to public-speaking-human-communication. we started off with storytelling, what this is (after introductions in my classes, students do a "story speech"), what purpose it serves, why it exists and continues to exist. then we ventured into the "call to speak," and "speaking up/speaking out," and why some people (like valentino achak deng) felt compelled to speak up. we talked about what they, as students, felt compelled to speak up about (not much, sadly ... but there were some beautiful moments. a few religious martyrs and one young feminist i adored who said she would go to jail if that meant teenage girls in SC could get access to birth control! LOVE her.)

and then! seeing all my glorious students at the reading last night! i wanted to hug and kiss them all. (of course, they were required to be there, lol. but they seemed happy and every instance i was so tickled to see them outside the classroom ... it seemed kind of ... like they were, too ...).

but the best part is this: dave eggers' talk last night was perfect. he was smart. he was funny and self-deprecating. he spoke of sudan and what is the what and read from this briefly. but then to my great good fortune, he also spoke very passionately and eloquently about why he started all these writing centers around the U.S. to help young people (kids, really) improve their literacy. my students (ME, TOO, christ) learned some wonderful things and had plenty to write about on their handouts i gave them to take with them for the reading/talk. as i spoke with a few students when we were all filtering out of the big theater, they were animated and engaged -- possibly (hopefully!) even inspired to make the world a better place. i certainly was.

big HAPPY sigh. contented lecturer smile. :) i should stop here ...

[starstruck moment: the line for book signings after the reading was so long that my friends and i decided to bail and head straight to bar/restaurant where we knew dave was to show up later. i was sad to not get my book signed, but also RAVENOUS. (well, that's no contest, is it? i wonder if it would've taken kurt vonnegut risen from the dead signing books for me to have waited in that long line ...) anyhoo, after we'd eaten and dave had shown up at the bar and also eaten, i sort of sneaked over to his table (sort of. flounced? i was on drink #2) ... fortunately a cool english creative writing prof saw me sidling up and told dave my name and mentioned i sent 150 students to the reading, yada yada. then i quickly thrust out my copy of what is the what and jabbered about everything i did here: what-all about my communications classes reading parts of the book and our discussions and how moving they were and how grateful i was to him for speaking tonight and thanking him, profusely, for his talk and the need to speak up and out, and storytelling, inspiring others, him inspiring my students ... to my great relief he was incredibly nice and funny and not pissed i interrupted him and we chatted for a brief moment about these topics while he signed my book (like he must sign all others): "To Sylvia! Thanks so much for spreading the WORD! Your true friend, Dave Eggers."]

now. i must get to work on a mcsweeny's piece. seriously.

Dear Texas,

i didn't expect my man obama to win in ohio last night because it was sort of a given hillary had the lock on that state and he really focused his energies on Y'ALL, on TEXAS, and so WTF, PEOPLE??? i went to bed last night with the results showing him comfortably leading her in the primary results and this morning i wake up, check cnn and have a minor stroke.

thanks for that, texas asshats (NOT my cousins! i love you!). i would like to make some snarky comment here about y'all's culpability in OUR NATION'S LAST EIGHT YEARS OF INCOMPETENT, DISASTROUS REIGN (your village of crawford has been sorely missing its token idiot, hasn't it?), but really i'm just pissy more of you didn't vote for change and hope and idealistic vision last night -- you voted for hillary. you voted for a brilliant woman who is part of the "old guard" in washington. she has lived in the white house for eight years already (yuck! i want a fresh body in there). she polarizes people and is not well known for working on both sides of the aisle.

so, texas, if it weren't for my lovely cousins living there, i would have some REALLY CHOICE words for Y'ALL today. as it is, i am saying in my best fatherly voice: I AM VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR MOTHER AND ME DOWN. I SORT OF WISH YOU WEREN'T BORN, TO BE HONEST. I'M GOING TO GO GET DRUNK ON THE BACK PORCH NOW, ALONE. GO TO HELL.

sincerely,
:) sylvia
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo!

PATHOS ALERT! the reds will eat your babies ...

both in my english classes of yore and in my speech/comm classes of today we talk about aristotle's definition of rhetoric (the art of persuasion, in a nutshell) and his three modes (or appeals to) of persuasion: ethos (an appeal based on the character of the speaker), logos (an appeal based on logic; generally sound reasoning; although today we consider facts/data to be "logos"), and finally: PATHOS (an appeal based on emotion, meant to sway the audience by tugging at their heartstrings or scaring the crap out of them).

well gentle readers, you're smart. you know what appeals SHOULD work best on human beings and what ULTIMATELY DOES work best on us humans. we like to think we've evolved. that we think and can reason and can use our brains. i like to think this on my good days. really i do. that we can do something noble, some things beautiful and intelligent with our lives: creating art and music, thinking rationally and practicing peace and tolerance, letting our lives overflow with laughter and love, humility and grace.

but mostly, sadly ... i think a lot of us (me, included) are sitting around here with our barely evolved reptilian brains, just eating and defecating, screwing and multiplying, sleeping and waking ... our lives a thinly veiled pretense for the the two most base, primal emotions we feel at any given time: fear and desire. "i am afraid of _____" and "i want _____."

ugh. and by now everyone has heard of or seen hillary's cold-war-republican-style campaign ad, "it's 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep ... the phone rings at the white house ..." PUKE ME A RIVER, hillary. i mean, FUCK, DID YOU STEAL A PAGE FROM THE BUSH/CHENEY/ROVE PLAYBOOK?

you make me ill, suddenly. i mean, shit, i'll campaign for you if you win the nomination ... if i have to, ok. but DAMMIT WOMAN. I HATE THE POLITICS OF FEAR! a pathos appeal, an appeal based on emotions ... these WORK, ok, they work, we know that. but catering to fear is the WORST possible pathos appeal. (in fact, it's how i used to remember in my first rhetoric class that pathos was the least formidable of the three appeals: because it was PATHETIC).

ok, whew. i'll calm down. there are about 20 or more hilarious (and some serious) parodies already up at youtube of this stupid fear-mongering ad. a lot of them involve ghostbusters ("who you gonna call?"), lol. i kind of like this one, below, mostly because i love it when guys do women's voices, mrah. reminds me of kids in the hall. (in fact, this link-clip from KITH here is so freaking hilarious, I INSIST YOU GO WATCH IT IMMEDIATELY TO HAVE A GREAT DAY).

3 a.m. white house ad spoof

everyone is smarter than me

but this isn't a new feeling. (judging from the 8th grade science quiz results -- look below at the comments for that post).

of course, when i was young i was convinced i was a genius, and it took me until college to realize i was horribly NOT-SMART. in graduate school this feeling of not-smartness was only compounded on a regular basis, but it was invigorating in a way i won't get into here. maybe i need to do some remedial science classes? get a science book?

well, genius friends and family, here's a totally unrelated NON-factual question i'm posing to you all then: TO HAVE AN ACTUAL PHOTO OF MYSELF AT THE BLOG OR NOT?

i ask you this because the pic i had been using was [cough!] six years old and was linked from my department's faculty page for me. and now that pic has mysteriously disappeared from that page. so ... i looked at some very ugly pics of myself here on my laptop last night (many old ones, sigh) ... and then naturally settled on the hilarious Brandy-Beauregard pic from my very first blog entry.

it doesn't matter to me to have an actual pic of myself up at all. except.

except when i go to other people's blogs ... i kind of like seeing a face. an actual real face to put with the writing, the musings, the nonsense, the reflections ... you know. it personalizes it in some way.

but is this vanity? i can't decide. i need your help, my dear four readers. to have a "real" pic of myself or not? i'm at your mercy. clearly, you're ALL MUCH SMARTER THAN ME. :)

this is depressing (but not really a surprise):

i failed 8th grade science last night (see below).

and i was on the freaking SCIENCE TEAM for two years in junior high! we went to state and were in the top ten both years! granted, i wanted to be a doctor then, so my "events" were things like "A for Anatomy" and ... i think i was a lame duck participant on the quiz bowl panel ... (ok, so i was really carried by the nerdy guys on the team, whatever). but still. these quiz results are pathetic and embarrassing. every time i'd read a question i'd go, "oh, i know this!" and then i'd look at those multiple choice answers and think, "fuck, i guess i don't." i guess i don't.

mmmmm ... a free weekend, at last ...

done.

and DONE. for now anyway, with the 150 student papers. i only lost two. (which makes no sense. i have folders. all the papers go in the requisite section folders, from which point they don't get shuffled, blown around, or rearranged, etc. yet two [very nice, honestly] students insist they turned in papers and now they are nowhere to be found. how is this possible?? and one student is saying her hard drive has since crashed and she might not have the original anymore ...?)

sort of DONE ... because i'm all about uh, "learning" or whatever you want to call it these days, i let my students rewrite their papers to get a higher grade. my only requirement is that they meet with me and so we can discuss their analysis and then they look over a couple "model" papers. i say over and over in my classes (because i really don't want to prepare them for the "real world"? what's wrong with me?), "you don't get a lot of second chances in life, but you do in my class. you can rewrite as many times as you need to, seriously." this just means that at the very end of the semester i will be grading MORE OF THE SAME PAPERS, AGAIN. [sigh.] but hopefully they will be a mite smarter.

[aside: i just don't understand how students are supposed to actually IMPROVE at critical thinking/writing if they're not forced to try it again and work through (with guidance) their stumbling blocks. usually students get a paper back, see their grade and sigh "i'm such a bad writer" or whatever, and then what happens?? nothing. exactly. paper goes in the trash. even though i'm not teaching english at the moment, critical analysis is still a key component, right? don't they ever have to write papers for other subjects?? please god, tell me they do ...]

THE POINT OF MY STUPID STORY IS that i'm finally free to enjoy a whole weekend!!!!

no labyrinthine job apps to write and complete, no papers to grade, no pressing curriculum to design (also last weekend, btw). the dogs decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by waking me up first at 5 a.m. today. then after much scratchy grumbling and profanities and yanking of collars ("booker and lulu you stupid fucks i love you but jesus christ get back on the goddamn bed" but in some kind of hoarse witchy voice best reserved for scaring children at halloween. also, i'm pretty sure i added the "i love you" here just to seem like less of a jerk), i managed to get them to let me sleep until 6:47 a.m., at which point i feared i would be mopping up dog urine if i didn't get up and let them outside.

today or this weekend, i will (perhaps not in this order):

• enjoy going grocery shopping
• delight in running errands
• vacuum (maybe. i hate this. but the dog hair on the floor has started clumping and having small rallies. soon the clumps will start demanding rights and when i refuse them, they'll stage little rebellions while i'm sleeping, attaching themselves to my face and the backs of my shirts, burning my books, etc. i can't give them too much control, you see. it's a delicate power balance)
• take neglected dogs for good long walk
• put neglected dogs in their crate (let's be honest: it's a big cage) for a couple hours while i take a sweet nap (they don't "get" naps, i've learned the hard way. which makes no sense because they freaking nap all the damn time)
• go see a play on campus with amigos
• call my wonderful family back in minnesota
• clean out rotten food from fridge (maybe. depends on if i feel like it)
  

i'm also going to be posting a few other things here and there ... got a lot of stuff jotted down i've been meaning to ... you know, make public for no reason whatsoever. the blurry dogs-in-motion pic is an old one from last summer. they WERE JUST PLAYING. seriously. they're funny like that. now lulu bites the shit out of booker.

well. done grading for a moment. and:

william f. buckley jr. died today. not my favorite guy. in an unusual twist of synchronicity (since i can't remember the last time WFB entered my thoughts, honestly), just this very morning i was reading a student's paper referencing a very moving speech mary fisher gave in 1992 about her HIV diagnosis, and the student contrasted fisher's position with the leading conservative sentiment at the time with this gem from none other than WFB:

"Everyone detected with AIDS should be tattooed in the upper forearm, to protect common needle users, and on the buttock, to prevent the victimization of other homosexuals."

grading break ... part troix

for the third time in as many days, here i am up at 5 a.m. to get the papers graded for the class i promised to hand them back to TODAY. puke. but the morning is my best time. some people would stay up until 1 a.m., but that's not me. i like the wee hours of ULTIMATE PROCRASTINATION.

i found this website awhile ago and have been kind of letting it sit, maybe waiting until i'm brainless (good morning, night) but still want to post. it's a blog called modern mechanix, and here's a sampling of what i've gleefully stumbled across:



this alluring freckleproof cape is circa 1940 (i don't really see why the polka-dots need to be there; i think they're more of a confusing fashion statement). please don't ask me about the freaky hood. if i saw a bunch of people lounging by the seaside or a pool in these "capes" i think i would be more than a little alarmed. are these people severely disfigured? why so shy about it? or: some kind of sick kkk group outing where the humidity messed up the hood tops? sad and disturbing, either way. and of course, really FREAKING SCARY like something from the elephant man, holy christ.





















as for milady's face harness, well. i should probably see if the 1933 manufacturer is still making these. probably cheaper than botox and would last longer than the fancy anti-wrinkle creams i try to get as samples and sometimes end up buying. the "sagging chin" runs in my family on a certain side (or rather, the "weak chin"), and so maybe this contraption would do the trick! sure it looks uncomfortable to sleep in, but let's face it: wrinkles are uncomfortable for EVERYONE ELSE TO LOOK AT, right?? hello? let's think of others for once instead of being so selfish.