hmm ...

remember my post about the most amazing drug in the universe that was supposed to prevent me from getting migraines AND miracle-of-miracles, make me lose weight (it's called topamax, btw)?? well, i just came back from my month-later follow-up neurologist visit and was slightly disappointed and slightly relieved at the same time (lately i'm all about the contradictions it seems, just a constant roiling ball of them ... what do you think: embrace these or work to eradicate? or something else that starts with 'e'?)

see, i AM relieved i haven't had a migraine. but i haven't passed the true "test" yet which is the days/week of ridiculous hormone levels peaking prior to aunt flo's arrival in town. if i don't get a migraine that week, topamax will indeed prove itself worth its weight in gold (which, to be honest, can't be that much. we're talking about VERY TINY pills here. they weigh like, nothing). but whatever. you know what i mean. [every single year that i age it seems, these motherscratching- blessed- insane hormones get crazier and more intense. maybe other ladies (ahem!) can relate in some way? i never used to have the velociraptor- on- crack PMS and the bloating and the tears and the only upswing is my libido which ... neverfreakingmind. this all means more migraines because they're very hormone-related.]

but disappointingly, i haven't lost THAT much weight. 8-measly-lbs. which, on a real doctor's scale (unlike my home wal-mart scale that pretty much fluctuates according to, oh, the barometric pressure, or say, how i happen to be standing on it: weight on toes [UP], weight on heels [DOWN]) isn't shabby ... but it isn't like, phenomenal. i'd still like to lose 8 MORE, which seems crazy impossible on this miracle drug because guess what: YOU DON'T EAT ANYTHING (and as a result, i think i've slowed my metabolism down to like, semi-starvation levels or something).

yep. that's why everyone loses all the weight on topamax. no appetite. and your jaw is wired shut for a month. (just kidding about that last one). i fight it, of course, in the worst of all possible ways to "diet," because i often don't eat all day (because YOU'RE NEVER or rarely HUNGRY) and then finally decide at like, 7 p.m. that i have to eat something and that something is usually the crap i have in my house which is usually bagels or something equally starchy.

but you want to know the CRAZY PART, people-who-know-me?? i've had a monster-family-size box of junior mints, half-full (no, more than half-full) sitting in my kitchen for four days now. that's the POWER of the drug. that's the kind of NOT-HUNGRY we're talking about here. i just don't even care. i don't even feel like eating them. ever. [i ate like, 10 last night and was all, "oh wow, yuck, candy, i'm just DONE." wtf??]

p.s. check out this pretty funny PMS guide for men (ignore stupid PMS jokes underneath, sorry). i originally got this in an email from my sister in duluth and it cracked me up then. my favorites are "i've always loved you in that robe!" and "here's my paycheck."