intimacy boosters - you're kidding, right?

my bio-mother warned me my sarcasm had reached new lows on christmas (i really don't recall being sarcastic at all that day, but sometimes she misinterprets the witty banter between my brother and i as sarcasm, i think; her sense of humor being ... uh, "different"), so i tried to keep it in check a bit over the holidays. but sometimes i can't help it. like when i read this yahoo article on "4 instant intimacy boosters," because they were all so trite and lame and booooohri [gghhhzzz ... !!! whoa. i fell asleep on the laptop there for a sec reading them again.]

they included "adding adventure" (such as a rock climbing class, or even a roller coaster ride, in a pinch), "cyber-flirting" (i.e., talking dirty to each other with your OWN instant-messenger accounts, CRAZY-VILLE HERE WE COME), "showing up on each other's turf" (you know, he comes to your yoga class, you watch him play frisbee golf or whatever. yawn.), and the SUPA-BALZ-OUT FINAL intimacy booster: "take a walk on the wild side" (e.g., have sex on a monday night).

oh wow. wow. wow. wow.

maybe i don't want to get married.

i mean, i always did. i do. (haha). but i've never had these problems. maybe because of kids? (rather, their dearth in my serious relationships?) maybe i've just been lucky with my men?? tell me friends, IS THIS THE SORT OF THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN/IF I GET MARRIED??? where "monday night sex" is wild and smut talk on an IM account is taboo? a roller coaster ride gets me hot and bothered (because i'm a freaking mennonite??)? oh holy hell. i sort of want to cry now.

instead, i will propose my own four "intimacy boosters" for couples:

1. surf the web for porn together, discussing likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs. most people, whether they admit it or not, get very turned on by porn. [guaranteed to make you uncomfortable at first, but then that will wear off and you WILL WANT TO DO IT A.S.AP.]
2. lay in bed and discuss full-blown, top-secret, maybe-you-shouldn't-actually fantasies with each other. this could done on be a saturday afternoon, or a regular weeknight. preferably both, with different, new stories. (you know you have more in there, you're just keeping them tucked away for safe keeping -- why?) anyhoo, i'm not suggesting you ACT THESE OUT, fools. just talking about them is fun. (and no holding back, that's lame. i mean the REAL HARD-CORE GOODS here or it's boring).
3. consider having sex in a public place. just consider it. (your car only sort of counts, sorry. and it really DOESN'T COUNT if it's in your driveway).
4. this is an oldie but a goodie for both him AND her: write something totally pornographic. like, over-the-top, cheeseball-city, full of extremely wet, lurid details. it will turn you on to write it. it will turn them on to read it. and so on and so forth. erotica is vastly underestimated these days.

i have more probably ... but won't post them here for decency's sake. i was actually going to put more obnoxious suggestions up at first like, "#1: go to a donkey show together in tijuana on your next romantic getaway!" but then decided that sometimes my family reads this and that wouldn't be funny to them, just sad, and maybe it is ... but [cough!] i think i've already said too much here today. about this. sex. you know ...