at last.

the 44th PRESIDENT of the united states of america.

india!

Hello All,

I meant to post this link to my flickr album of India photos awhile ago, and I guess I needed a long weekend to get it done. (Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/54728603@N00/sets/72157611603856484/

Enjoy the album when you have time, and please keep me updated with your own travels and photos, your own experiences that shape your life these days. I'm not always quick to reply (as many of you know), but I will get back to everyone as soon as I can.

All my wishes for a hopeful, joy-filled, and certainly a more peaceful, 2009.
:) sylvia.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality ... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS.
-- Mahatma Gandhi

quick post before july ends ... (oh crap)

dear blog,

i hate to have to put it like this, but it's true: i'm just not that into you. right now! i mean -- things could always change! we could always ... i don't know, someday ... no, it's not you, seriously! i promise. no! i swear -- you've been nothing but sweet, nice, helpful, definitely supportive when i needed you ... but, i just think we need to take a little break.

what? well, you're right about that. yeah, we kind of have been on a break for the last two months already, i KNOW. trust me, i heard about how much i SUCK FOR DOING THAT from a lot of people, ok? yes, i'm a jerk. if it makes you feel better to think that, then fine: i'm the asshole here.

whatever, blog. but please know that for what it's worth, i really loved you for a while there. i know, that sounds trite and it is -- but it's also the truth: you comforted me with your company when i needed it, and more importantly, you helped me write when i wasn't writing ANYTHING (nada). so, i am indebted. (and i'm puking a little in my mouth at the cheesiness on display here ... i don't really know what is wrong with me right now, good god).

really? i can visit every now and then? that's cool. i might. right now i'm just going to not worry about it, though, if that's all right. i'm just very busy with my ... living. my breathing. my reading. my being here right now. i'm writing on paper again these days. mostly outside. it's pretty sweet, actually.

well, thanks for the memories, and i promise i'll see you again before you know it, ok doll? don't look at me like that, please. this doesn't mean forever. just a little break. i need my space is all.

love, yours always,
:) s.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

p.s. check out my favorite new music:
new mason jennings album called "IN THE EVER" - i love it all so so much, mmmm ... HE RECORDED THE WHOLE THING IN A MINNESOTA CABIN. he has a new all-inclusive spiritual bent. i love this man. (the album name comes from where his son says he came from before he was born, "ya know dad, when i was in the Ever?")

ben sollee album = "learning to bend" - DUDE PLAYS THE CELLO. HOW SWEET IS THAT?? see tracks "it's not impossible," "prettiest tree on the mountain," and "built for this."

cloud cult album "feel good ghosts" - minnesota band; v. weird, and v. wonderful at times ... i like "journey of the featherless" and "when water comes to life," among others.

p.p.s. you must go read my incredible step-mom's new blog about her life in india!! it's amazing and she is amazing and she inspires me daily. we all must go more places ... if we can. i am trying.

nothingness and everythingness

to my dear, wonderful NINE (holy crap, where did you all come from??) readers:

i'm truly VERY sorry i haven't posted anything for weeks and weeks. i'm so flattered anyone cared about this blog ... i do know how much i like reading other people's (everyone! go start blogs!) stuff and seeing their pictures and hearing about their lives. it may have seemed like i dropped off the planet. i did and i didn't. mostly i just wasn't on a computer for a long time. like, hardly ever. and i didn't want to be near one. i was really enjoying my break from technology.

so much has happened in the last six weeks, and so little has actually BEEN DONE, that i don't really know where to start. i'm just going to spit it all out because (as i mentioned) i don't believe i'll be on this computer for long:

i started reading about reincarnation and i started thinking about what lessons our friends and family and significant others teach us and i started meditating on this and thinking something was changing inside me right then and it was. so i started reading these transformational books about mindfulness, being present in the moment, losing your ego and negating emotional reactions, finding your source, leaving materialism behind, channeling energy, embracing nothingness and so on. i also have been reading a lot of fiction (for fun). the waitressing job didn't work out (long story), but that was actually very lucky because i got to do nothing for weeks except look for a temp job and meanwhile read, meditate, try and lose my ego (like i said already, i know, but this is ENDLESS of course, esp for me) and so on. i also have a great tan. (KIDDING! but really. i do).

result: irreversible perspective shift! omg! i have never been happier or more focused in my life, i think. it's the Oneness.

it's a little unsettling, to be quite honest. to be so content. to smile so much, so randomly. to also be so increasingly cognizant of my own reactions and thoughts ... the closest thing i can compare it to is to that euphoria that comes when you're falling in love -- but that is more like a drug, and this is definitely more peaceful, more relaxed ... yes: supreme contentedness is the only way to describe it. (and it's not always there! i have moments when i lose it ... but that's for another post).

just so you know, i'm still me! i'm not a new age nutcase, really. i'm still sarcastic, too judgmental, a little sharp sometimes when i don't mean to be, and i still smoke too many cigarettes and drink WAY too much coffee and diet coke.

i just was so unhappy for so long with my life. i hardly realized that until ... now. with everything. from where i was living to my income to my lack of a partner and children to just about EVERYTHING. and this shift now to appreciating things, and myself, it didn't happen overnight ... it was a process here. it was an awakening i sensed before i could articulate (and i'm doing a damned shitty job here, whoa), and so that's where i am now: working on continuing the awakening. that's all it is. just a beginning.

there's a lot of work for me here ... i don't want to make this blog become an annoying new age meditation blog (holy christ i can't think of a more boring, insipid blog), so i'll just leave it at this and update with other news and stuff, right??? because ...

i have a temp job (i'm on week two) in an office at the U of MN in the medical academic offices: department of integrative biology and physiology. that's a mouthful when i answer the phone, because i also then include, "this is sylvia" at the end, so it kind of always strikes me as funny and i think i laugh out loud every time i answer the phone. fortunately, the phone almost never rings. it's a nice job. half admin/secretary work, half me-transferring grants for a new dept chair (something i've never done before but seems VERY complicated/nightmarish). the U campus is beautiful and a nice blend of urban-college, so i sit outside every day for lunch and read and meditate and this is incredibly lovely.

ok. that's it for june. i'll try and do better for july. i've been finding some great new music ... maybe i'll post that soon.

have i mentioned i have the most wonderful family in the entire universe? and how much i miss my friends? i feel like i radiate love these days ... it's all i feel.

hail the size of ...

whoa. what happened to my blogging life?? it's like i disappeared from blogland. scary. i'm a bit disappointed in myself, honestly. i have a number of explanations for why i fell "off the grid," but i don't even have time to get into them here.

because this post, in fact, is just a filler.

to say: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING.

and: I WILL DO MORE POSTING SOON (I PROMISE. SERIOUSLY).

[just not now, unfortunately. rest assured, everything will be explained in good time.]

waiting ...

it's amazing what happens when you wake up and you don't immediately get to get on your computer with your coffee and your cigarettes. whole days go by where you don't check the 50,000 websites you used to check compulsively EVERY SINGLE DAY. you don't email friends back very well (not that you did to begin with [sigh]), and you REALLY SLACK ON THE BLOGGING FRONT. i kind of miss my old routine. but i sort of like my new, liberating one, too: i read the newspaper outside, i read more books, and i just PONDER more.

as it turned out, i got a waitressing job at the first place i went to that was hiring, and it was a SUPER HIGH-END FANCY-SCHMANCY NEW restaurant in downtown minneapolis, which is exactly what i was looking for. i got the job two days after my last post, and started training last night. this means i follow another server around like a lost puppy for about four shifts, then i "expo" (in my day we just called it "food running") for a night, take a freaking TEST, and then voila! I'M A WAITRESS. (again).





ok, i've got to run to get ready to leave. i have to be there at 10:15 to trail after my dude again for a lunch shift today. i will have to come up with some awesome waitressing stories for you before my next post. in the meantime, i'm learning more about steak, etc., than you ever would've thought possible.

[btw: the cat came back (just like the song), and the beagle is still troublesome but we've patched the holes in the fence ... mostly. now if we could just stop her from barking, good god. that howl-bark haunts my dreams.]

coming to you from the land of (+/-16,000) lakes!

here i am in minnesota, at my folks' house, still breathing. the pets made the 20-hour-straight car trip and although one cat has gone AWOL, everyone seems to be adjusting pretty well. they say the leaves will be on the trees soon ...

(OK, except for that damn missing cat. and the beagle. first the stupid cat went up a tree for 24 hours, then after i talked her down [not unlike a hostage negotiation in many respects] she just ran off again and i haven't seen her since. she's not a very good cat, honestly. well, and there's the issue of my annoying beagle, lulu, who, although bigger than one of my parents' dogs, has somehow managed to find a hole in their fence she can fit through ... so this is INCREDIBLY TIRESOME and now she is on extendable leash #2 [#1 already broke ...] attached to a clothes line in the yard when she goes outside, until we can figure out where she's escaping from ... SIGH).

today i enjoyed what i'm henceforth referring to as "the zen of pool skimming." my parents are a little crazy and disorganized and their unique method of dealing with their beautiful in-ground pool every year is to ... do nothing and let fall and winter take their toll. so, spring rolls around and the pool is a deep brown swamp filled with leaves and god-knows-what-else. charming. and yet every time summer rolls around it's crystal clear and beautiful and none-too-chlorinated (ugh). so, lots and lots of skimming with a little net attached to an incredibly long pole. it was sunny and warm (gasp! actually won't stay that way sayeth the weather forecast ...) late morning today and i made slow (VERY SLOW -- it's an ART FORM) laps around the pool. i loved it. i breathed my mantra i'm WORKING VERY HARD ON THIS SUMMER (RIGHT NOW):

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. - Tao Te Ching

today i take my new, super dumbed-down "resume" (used to be a CV [sniff]; now it has BULLETS) to five restaurants in downtown minneapolis. two of them on the phone said yesterday they were hiring. i find myself looking forward to waitressing ... oddly happy about it all. i'll let you know ...

south carolina everyone: i miss you. i feel so far away. anyone is welcome to come visit, anytime. they PROMISE the leaves will be here soon ...

patiently waiting ...

i've been waiting and waiting and waiting until my glorious cousin alison posted on her own blog about her BRAND-NEW BABY BORN LAST WEEK, 4/30: TALLACK RICHARD OASE (6.3 oz, 20 1/4"), and then i finally talked to her today and she said i didn't need to wait!!! well, i clearly don't know the blogging protocol here (ack!), but i was freaked about putting pictures up before she did. (anyhoo, she did finally get to check her email and post last night, so any reservations i had ARE GONE).

between alison and her lovely twin bridget (see my houston post about visiting them last fall), i have had so many INCREDIBLE PICTURES to choose from to post here. (tallack is seriously one of the cutest babies i've ever seen -- those LIPS! he totally has his mother's scarlet johanssen lips.) my favorite pics were these ones of his mother right after he's born where she's crying with happiness (and in the pic here her husband jergen has tears in his eyes, too!) ... made me cry with happiness. [sniff!] oh! babies! new lives! new everythings! (see my old post about this crazy-baby-love i have) ... i'm already so excited to see tal this summer and kiss him all over and snuggle him and eat his toes and rock him and burp him ...

CONGRATULATIONS, SWEET COUSIN! i'm full of awe and impressed beyond belief! you DID IT.

on loving

i ran across mildred loving's death yesterday, but didn't read the statement by mrs. loving until today, and it literally brought tears to my eyes. mildred and her husband, richard, changed history when they challenged (and successfully overturned!) the supreme court's ban on interracial marriage in 1967.

PLEASE read mildred's statement "loving for all" if you have time. it is heartwarming and uplifting, and she wrote it last year on the 40th anniversary of the supreme court's ruling in her favor.

mrs. sophia

there's SO MUCH i want to tell you about the crackpot/wonderful mrs. sophia, but i'm in kind of a time crunch (see previous post), so i will sum up:

she asked to see my palms, then told me to make two wishes. i did. then she said i had to tell her one of them. i did (it was "i want to have kids"). she barely glanced at my palms and then went into what clearly sounded like a schtick speech about how i she could see i had a long life line and i was a kind- (and "tender"??) hearted person who was very generous, very loving, but that i also wasn't afraid to speak my mind and tell people "like it is." hmmm ... OK.

then she did what appeared to be a series of pronouncements that were very vague, like "you're confused about love," which is sort of true (as in: i don't have any), and said she could tell someone loved me very much but had a bad way of showing it. another of her pronouncements was, "i can sense you're upset with something in your home. there's something wrong with your home right now." i explained that yes, that was true ... because i didn't have a home (etc.). this seemed to confirm her suspicions, and she said not to worry it wouldn't be this way for long.

bomb 1: then she said i would have four children. i honestly have no idea where this came from. how does she know i want a houseful of kids? (i mean, i said i wanted kids as one of my wishes, but where did she come up with four? i've always said i wanted 4-5 kids. which is kind of unusual -- how did she KNOW??? and more importantly: this will happen?? HALLELUJAH!). she said i would have two girls and two boys.

[BTW: mrs. sophia essentially stopped looking at my palms after the first minute or so. i got the distinct impression the "palm reading" was just a front for her ... psychic-ness. she has three adult children and told me later while we were just talking that she can't "read" for them. that it's a bad idea and she can't seem to do it anyway, because she's too close to them. so although at the beginning of my "reading" i thought she was a hack, by the end she seemed pretty psychic.]

bomb 2: she said i would meet someone sooner than i was expecting, she thinks very soon -- within the next month, even. (holy shit). i said i was going to minnesota and didn't want to meet anyone there because i don't want to live there. she shrugged, smiling, and said, "you might not live there." she was pretty insistent on this point, actually, and said i should call her (it's not a 1-900 #, in case you're wondering) if it wasn't true. she said i would be surprised.

funny thing: mrs. sophia said everything was going to be just fine for me, that everything i'm worried about now would work out. she saw a good life for me, and that i would be happy. she really stressed this; that what i'm going through right now is just temporary and not to worry.

i can't explain why this comforts me. why this comforts me more coming from a semi-legit psychic than from my family and friends. (i think it's like my students say, "don't get your best friend to watch you practice your speech because they always tell you it's great even if it isn't").

[in case you're curious, my friend who went with me and got her reading before me had some similar pronouncements about her character, but mrs. sophia accurately guessed my friend did sales (true!), and that her calling was to do counseling/teaching (which my friend has wanted to do for years). my friend also got told she would only have two kids, which unbeknownest (or was it???) to mrs. sophia, is exactly how many she wants. she also could tell my friend had come out of a long relationship and had just entered a new one.]

so, all in all, it was a good experience. VERY COMFORTING. i don't know yet if she's a hack. i'll let you know if i meet someone in the next month or so, lol. and if he wants to jump into baby-making, which, considering that i'm 30, means if i'm going to have my four kids, i better start soon.

t-minus five ...

five days left in south carolina.

five days left to pack up my house and put 99% of it in a storage unit (which i finally got, btw, from a crazy man who rides a motorcycle with his dog elsa on the front. he also rents elsa out as a "therapy dog" he mentioned to me. twice. i told him thanks, but i get enough therapy from my own dogs).

last night i finally started packing. and to my surprise, it went incredibly slower than i expected, which was scary. i have 10 SMALL BOXES OF BOOKS. i don't even have that many books, really, as i moved here with like, a dozen total. jesus. mainly i moved things around from one pile to another place, mumbling to myself about whether i should throw it away, take it to the thrift store, or keep it. (battery charger for AA batteries? keep. old headphones i never use that are half-broken? toss. 20 tall candles??? basket of office supplies that has been generally ignored for the last two years?? saran wrap????)

hopefully this is not how it will go for the rest of the packing ...

but i'm in such a weird situation. i'm not moving to another house. i'm living with my parents for the summer and taking just the bare necessities (clothes, bathroom stuff -- dogs!), and then everything else goes to storage for god only knows ... because ...

MY (STEP) MOM JUST GOT A TEACHING JOB IN INDIA FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS!!

and she's going to make loads of money and it sounds like a wonderful job and she paid a search agency to find her a teaching abroad job and she had over 75 to choose from and i'm soooooo excited for her and maybe i should do the same thing except that's not really what i was looking to do right now with my life but i do love living in foreign countries and fuck i can't seem to find a job that pays anything good in this part of the world (on the ocean) and so i am in a total state of NOT KNOWING AND THAT IS KILLING ME.

[ahem.] fortunately today, as a brief respite from the packing, errands, etc. a girlfriend and i are going to a palm reader, so maybe this will clear some things up. (BECAUSE DID I ALSO EVER MENTION THAT I LEARNED A FEW WEEKS AGO THAT MY 'LIFE LINE' AND MY 'LOVE LINES' DO NOT INTERSECT ON EITHER OF MY TWO PALMS???? no wonder my love life is a disaster and i will never get married and have children and settle down anywhere. it's not in my destiny. but maybe i'm doing it wrong and so hopefully "mrs. sophia" can clear THIS up today, too).

i'll let you know.

i'm already missing where i am right now.

i just liked this

silly and a little trite, but still charming. i love stencil graffiti. saw it at swissmiss, from STNCLRVLTN (gallery broken?).

lower approval than nixon ... after watergate

first graf of this cnn story:

"A new poll suggests that President Bush is the most unpopular president in modern American history."

it goes on to say that a whopping 71% of americans disapprove of how dubya is doing as president. this is the highest disapproval rating in monthly polls since truman was president (apparently gallup did exist and was polling before truman, but not monthly).

reminded me of the stephen colbert speech at the 2006 white house correspondents' dinner where he ripped bush a new one. [from back when bush's disapproval rating was at a stellar 68%]:

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality'. And reality has a well-known liberal bias. ... Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half-empty, because 32% means it's two-thirds empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

the democratic race in 7 minutes

meh. in case you couldn't tell, i stopped posting about all of my man obama's wins/losses in this primary season. CAMPAIGN FATIGUE a little much? when will it end, lord??? christ. and now his national lead is slipping???? wtf, my man? i need something new and vibrant and refreshing here from you. let's not see hillary take this one just because she wins at mud-slinging and with stamina (we know the woman HAS THIS if she has remained married to bill for so long).

anyhoodle, in case you wanted a very funny, charming recap of what the democratic primary race has been like, slate did a cute, watchable (and speedy!) video of it all. [was i the last person to know that aragorn was a kucinich supporter?? lol. i love the mike gravel "footage," too ... cracked me up.]

open letter to my intestinal tract

dear stomach, small intestine, and colon:

OK, i "get it." i should not have left that half of vegetarian sandwich (which i added turkey to) in the warm/hot car for four hours friday night before i refrigerated it. i should then not have proceeded to eat this half-sandwich for a late lunch saturday. i know, the avocado was brown and the other fixings didn't look their best anymore, but it tasted FINE, OK?

well, "my bad." you really let me have it all day yesterday, didn't you? starting at around 5 a.m. with the severe cramping, and then the NEVERENDING diarrhea, and then the violent projectile vomiting? yes, thanks, i learned my lesson. i didn't get to grade hardly anything between all the running to the bathroom and the near-fainting, the horrible sweating and multiple naps i had to take because i couldn't hardly stand up. at least i didn't have a headache!

and you almost fooled me! you crazy intestinal tract, you! lol. yes, when i was finally able to keep down gatorade and coffee and some food around 5 p.m. yesterday, i honestly thought WE WERE ALL DONE with this ugly chapter. sure, the food was sitting like a rock in my stomach but so what? IT WAS STAYING PUT.

and now. monday morning. in 35 minutes i have to go have office hours and start all the grading i should've gotten done yesterday. but YOU'RE NOT DONE YET??? WTF, colon? i'm keeping my coffee down, but this stuff going on down in your nether-region?? please CUT THIS SHIT OUT, jesus. i really don't have time to run to the toilet this much. and while i appreciate it you're maybe helping me lose a pound or two (or five, christ), this is just UNACCEPTABLE.

so, again, i just wanted to make sure you knew that i did learn my lesson about proper food temperature/storage, but also that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH already. i really don't want to be too graphic here, but crapping water for more than 24 hours is PLENTY.

please cease and desist this whole "food poisoning" production effective immediately.

yours sincerely,
:) sylvia

anti-climax

so last night i taught my last class of the year, my last class at this university. i ordered pizzas for the students who showed up and we listened to (again) lots of persuasive speeches on such wildly varying topics as "why you should wash your hands more often" (totally freaked us all out and [shudder] behind her on a screen was a slideshow of images that included, among other things, a freeze-frame of a sneeze, and weird black-light-esque pics of hands covered in bacteria), "why the blue laws should be abolished," and "why the BCS should switch to a playoffs system." i didn't tell them it was my last class at this school. this was a nice class, but not a very sentimental one on the whole.

what's odd is that i wasn't sad or even giddy or even ANYTHING. i suppose a psychologist might say i had kind of a "flat affect" about the whole last week, the whole last class. i mean, i did have emotion (i smiled, nodded during the speeches, etc) ... but i just didn't seem to care. which is sad in itself. maybe it's the stress right now. too many other things to think about?

well. there are those few other things. like finding a storage unit, come to think about, if this is still even possible at this late date ... in fact, i better go, get to this now ...

[see?? see how it's like i can't even be nostalgic? SO ODD for me. i'm also a bit sick of all of them, the students, to be honest. not that i don't love them. i do. but their emails! my GOD. their emails make me insane with their stupid questions i've answered and addressed 7,000 times already in class and if i get one more email asking about how to do this last assignment or where the speech lab is, i might snap.]

in a totally unrelated jump ...

this is a riot: scientists say menstrual blood can repair hearts. this is SUCH GREAT NEWS. to think of all of the precious heart-repairing blood though, that i waste each month. (and in my case, it's too bad it does nothing for the figuratively damaged/broken heart ...) how hilarious would it be if women [cough. me?] started saving their own menstrual blood in their freezers for the possibility it might be useful in the future??? THINK OF WHAT THIS FREEZER WOULD LOOK LIKE, AND IF SOME GUEST WAS OVER AND WENT TO GET AN ICE CUBE FOR A COCKTAIL. what if this guest was a guy you were on a date with????? i love it. the guy's freezer from hell.

To Do List

1. finish grading and hand back 1.3 million papers (because this is last week i see my students. next week is finals and there are no classes--my students don't have a final with me).

2. write the final version of this stupid curriculum stuff i said i would do (and am doing with a colleague; a colleague who, btw, has canceled all her classes this week ...) for the department. for a stipend. half of which, due to some asinine tax law, gets lost before it gets to my paycheck. this needs to be done by wednesday or so. lol.

3. continue to watch, and then grade, the 150 student speeches that started last week and go through this week. and we had so many disasters, sick people, etc. that were scheduled to go last week but then had to push back to this, the LAST POSSIBLE WEEK TO DELIVER YOUR SPEECH, that each class is going to TAKE FOREVER. (i joke with them, "i can sit here all night watching you give speeches. you guys know i have no life." which is [cough] true. but it doesn't mean i'm not insanely busy. i don't tell them that part.)

4. then, in less than two weeks, review and submit final grades for my 150 students. my stomach knots just thinking about this.

5. find a mini-storage unit in my town for my belongings. i decided not to take anything except clothes and pets up north for summer because even though GOD KNOWS I WILL NEVER LIVE IN THIS PART OF THE STATE (this little town devoid of all art and culture) AGAIN, there's no point in dragging it up north, and then dragging it back again to whatever respective warm teaching position i find. (i'm looking for something on the ocean without 9 months of winter each year. minnesota loses in both these vital categories).

6. speaking of which, and this really should be #1 on list: FIND A GODDAMN JOB FOR THE FALL. no, i haven't heard anything back (anything good anyway) from anywhere. no, i don't know what i'm doing. no, i don't even have any good "leads" at the moment. SIGH. please don't ask me about this. i'll let you know if i hear anything, i promise. i'm applying and searching for things all time. i get my hopes up ALL THE TIME. for nothing, apparently. it gets increasingly depressing.

7. pack up entire house. hahahahaha. i'm only living here for less than three weeks now. have i started packing things? do i even have A BOX??? are you kidding me?? i did, i should add here, buy packing tape at the grocery store last night. this is a start. maybe i'm in denial. maybe i'm stressed and busy beyond measure. maybe i ... just need to get some freaking boxes.

8. find a sub-leaser. so i don't have to pay june and july rent. because i'm breaking my lease. fuck.

9. [insert here all the million other things, such as getting dogs and cats their flea treatments, taking care of parking tickets, taking care of terminating HR stuff, having meetings and more meetings, figuring out the morass of healthcare "this is not a bill" bills piling up from my two freaking neurologist visits, changing addresses, seeing about getting prescription pills for summer, seeing my dear friends before i leave this state ... sigh.]

10. oh yeah: find a job in minnesota for the summer. i really don't want to be a temp again. i'd rather waitress full-time or eat broken glass shards than be a temporary secretary 40 hours a week, because that might really put me over the edge. (i think i'm standing there right now anyway, peering over and debating).

so, i'm not going to be posting for awhile. my cousin bridget sent me this hilarious video yesterday (below) and if you either a) know any engineers, and/or b) know any cats, you will laugh your ass off. now i'm going to go have a small nervous breakdown and then get started on my list.

an engineer's guide to cats

my ovaries cry themselves to sleep

"Delaying pregnancy can carry consequences." not a news flash BY ANY MEANS, SO THANKS FOR REMINDING ME, CNN, FOR THE GAZILLIONTH TIME, that for whatever unholy reason (am i one of obama's "bitter" ones? maybe. but i don't cling to guns or religion. i don't feel bitter about MOST things) i am unable to find a mate willing to procreate with me.

like I WANT TO FREAKING DELAY A PREGNANCY, cnn. shit. i am five minutes away from robbing a sperm bank at butter-knife-point. in case you don't believe me, see my pathetic litany of posts on this subject here, here, here, here and here for christ's sake. (SIGH) ... I HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE "CONSEQUENCES" of waiting too long since i was 20 and was just trying to be nice and responsible and possibly be married (stupid in retrospect -- i totally should've just lied to someone and said i was on The Pill. hindsight!)]

also, there is this DIRE WARNING from the movie idiocracy about WAITING TOO LONG to get pregnant (watch clip below here!). the movie itself was so-so, but the premise was hilarious: due to the over-procreation of dumb people, the world evolves into a super-idiocracy in the future (where people just watch stupid gross-out reality TV and springer-esque talkshows, masturbating all day long; their crops have all failed because they forgot how agriculture works [they were watering them with a powerade-type drink, lol]).


well, at least i have some cool, smart friends and family doing their part. i would love to be a foster parent or adopt, without a doubt! and i heard that women who (miraculously) do manage to conceive an older ages have longer life expectancies, so that's good ... i'm trying to be positive here, see? see me trying to be positive???

"when i am rich ..."

"when i am rich" ... well, this is a stupid thought. but it's entertaining, isn't it? it involves many "I WILL CERTAINLY NOT"s and "i'll definitely"s. [one of of the "I WILL CERTAINLY NOT"s includes getting a full-time nanny. another one is getting an SUV, and yet another is stopping buying the majority of my clothes and/or furniture from thrift stores and garage sales. oh, i have a long list of how i will be a tasteful, down-to-earth, bohemian rich person, lol. pottery barn and the like can go screw themselves. (if i see one more robin's-egg-and-brown combo i may projectile vomit).]

topping off the incredibly LONG LIST of "i'll definitely"s (in close proximity to making giant financial contributions to ALL my favorite global and local causes, AND paying someone to hold my ashtray on his head, duh) is BUYING COOL ART I FALL IN LOVE WITH AT FIRST SIGHT. oh, how.

mmm ... i hadn't been to one of my FAVORITE design sites, swissmiss, in awhile, but it has tons of awesome stuff up on it at the moment, including this artwork (below) that SUNG TO ME FOR NO APPARENT REASON. or well, for lots of very apparent (hello? i live in crazyville. bienvenidos a mi pueblo) reasons. this is the link to the artist's site, miraruido -- LOVE love love it all.

for the record ...

... i'm not an atheist. but i got this link from a friend and it's still pretty damn funny:

"Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast"

random racism?

so this just happened a few seconds ago:

[on door: KNOCK KNOCK. cue hyper dogs. fortunately one was eating in the crate and the other one (after three weeks of a barking collar, praise jesus) is much, much quieter.]

[i open door and hold back hyper/quiet dog, and see a skinny, late-20s dude with short red hair, acne, a lame goatee, khakis, and a zip-up fleece over a nice dress shirt. his white mini-van is parked up on the street. he's holding some kind of card in his hand.]

me: hello?

ginger boy [insert polite southern twang here]: hey, i'm sorry to bother you ... uh, is laqueesha here?

me: laqueesha?

ginger: yeah, does she live here?

me: no, she doesn't. sorry. [i'm struggling with dog now. he's going progressively berserk-er.]

ginger [glances at neighbor's door, connected to my house]: does she by any chance live there?

me: no, there's no one by that name living in this house. i'm sorry, i don't know her. [dog claws dig into my foot. in my head i blame ginger dude.]

ginger: ok, so no colored woman lives here?

me: . . .

[pause. did he really just say that? i look at him again. no. he's not 100 years old. WTF??]

me: uh. no.

ginger: all right then, sorry to have bothered you! thanks! bye now!

me: bye.

i would really like to editorialize here but it's all too recent ... there is SO much to do with this, i just don't know where to fucking start, my good god. i think i'll just leave it alone, let you faithful four commenters have fun ... [it's actually pretty sad.]

OMG, mcsweeney's you DID NOT!

I LOVE IT!!
OTHER DANGEROUS EVENTS HILLARY CLINTON EXPERIENCED AS FIRST LADY

you know i love mcsweeney's to death. sometimes it's milk-out-your-nose hilarious and some days the entries are so-so or just not funny.

but with all the drama over hillary's giant bold-faced lie concerning her visit to tuzla, bosnia (i.e., she says she was under sniper fire and had to "run to [her] cars" when really she just walked out of the plane smiling with chelsea and hugging people like every other visit), i'm pretty surprised mcsweeney's would publish a politically-charged piece ... such an ANTI-HILLARY (ergo, PRO-OBAMA, [since god knows they can't be republican] PIECE).

love it. check it out. (the mental picture i have of her under sniper fire while noticing socks missed the litter box is priceless).

surprised much?

according to this yahoo article, a study of 781 adolescents (15-18) done by the university of minnesota's school of public health found that teenagers who have their own TV in their bedrooms generally watch more TV on average than do other teens (who would've ever thought?), exercise less, eat crappier food, eat fewer meals with their families, and have lower GPAs on average.

two interesting things to note here in the findings:
1. no correlation with obesity and personal bedroom TVs
2. TVs in teen bedrooms show up more frequently in lower-income homes, and decrease in frequency as income levels go up

hmm ... those of you who know me know my thoughts about TV, and i could write a book about TV. TV isn't bad in itself. it's really not. some shows are wonderful -- educational, enlightening, hysterically funny [hello, the daily show, the office and 30 rock and there are certainly others but i haven't seen them ...] and some shows are just A REALLY GREAT FUCKING ESCAPE FROM REALITY WHEN THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

so, i don't hate on people who watch TV. i like TV a lot sometimes. kids can learn great things from PUBLIC TELEVISION and other neat movies and shows (in moderation). when you're a busy parent, TV can be a godsend. (when i was a nanny we watched aladdin [pieces of it] almost every single day. so they would nap, praise the lord. that's just how THOSE KIDS rolled ...)

we had sola una TV in my house in the living room growing up, and we could only watch one hour a day. seriously. this lasted until ... my parents stopped caring (oh, high school?), and by then it didn't matter because i didn't care much for TV anyway.

and something stuck, people. maybe i'm a case study? because now i'm an adult and i don't have a TV, haven't for years, and don't miss it in general. i don't take comfort in the background noise of a TV the way a lot of people do (actually, i kind of hate TV noise). i can't study around a TV on, or work when one is on. (because duh, when we watched TV when i was growing up, WE WATCHED IT, lol. since we only had an hour a day WE PAID ATTENTION when it was on).

the last couple weeks i was at a young colleague's house to have work meetings about curriculum we're designing. we met at her kitchen table, right by her living room ... and right by her giant TV. ok. except she left her TV on when we got started. and i was facing it. holy christ i was IN A STATE. i mean, the SOUND WAS ON AND UP and everything. i couldn't stop looking at it. it dawned on me there was something wrong with me if i couldn't do both these things at once. finally after i made one too many comments on the home improvement show (make your own duvet for less by buying a cheap sewing machine and two bedsheets?? WTF??? JUST BUY A DUVET, OK?), i think said colleague got my hint i couldn't multi-task and finally turned it off. thank god. and the next week it happened again, except it was her BF playing really loud video games. holy shit. i'm not kidding. she lives with that, i realize. how can people work around that??? something must be wrong with me.

[sigh.] the teenagers. i'd like to think those with TVs in their bedrooms are developing some super-hero powers of multi-tasking ability i somehow missed, but alas: SURVEY SAYS NO. they're just NOT.

but somehow i suspect the lower-income parents who put the damn TVs in their kids' rooms in the first place might not be worried if their kids are drinking mountain dew for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and aren't worried if junior's GPA gets him into college or not. these families might be too busy with other things ... if they do sit together for dinner, it's probably around another TV in the house, anyway ...

i think it matters because teenagers (bless them) know everything (clearly. if you know one this is old news: they KNOW EVERYTHING), and yet they are still children and like children they need, more than ever, to know that someone is LISTENING to them and someone values their thoughts and opinions. i think teenagers need quality time with a parent just as much as a child does, and (in my humble opinion, as usual i'm full of ideas here) a TV DOES NOT LISTEN AND DOES NOT HUG AND KISS THEM AND SAY "WOW, YOUR DAY SUCKED. TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT WHILE WE WALK THE DOG. YOU GO GRAB THE LEASH AND I'LL CHANGE MY SHOES."

LOL!

i'm sitting here alone at 7:30-something a.m., literally Laughing Out Loud (not really that unusual ...) at myself, or, well ... the big white envelope sitting here next to the laptop. [now i'm really laughing. :)] because the big white A4-sized (leftover from four years ago in europe; glue was pointless so it's uh, taped closed) envelope is addressed to none other than

GEORGE CLOONEY.

no shit! LMAO!

[i guess i never mentioned my GINORMOUS crush on this man, did i??? damn you sarah larson!!]

just kidding. haha. [thank god i have enough stamps at home to take care of this in private and do not have to take my giant taped envelope addressed to GEORGE CLOONEY to the post office for weighing/stamps because i think i might die of embarrassment to see the looks i get from the PO employees as i wander in, clad in my sweater/robe/yoga pants/clogs outfit with what is clearly stalker mail, lol.]

AHEM. the envelope contains a polite card to señor clooney and a pre-addressed (also old, A4 ...) envelope ...

to my grandmother in florida.

my grandma has had a SERIOUS crush on george for a long time now. she dreams about him on a pretty regular basis (or so i assume, because every time i visit she tells me about yet another "george clooney dream"), which is of course, wonderful, dear, and absolutely hilarious to me. she has lived alone in an upscale senior apartment in florida for the last decade since my grandpa died, and ever since i first heard about these clooney dreams, years ago, i took to calling her body pillow "george." sometimes the dreams are pretty normal, like she and george (the man, not the pillow) are just making dinner at her place or something, but sometimes they're doing something more fun -- on a cruise together! (also pretty normal for my grandma, really -- or at least, it used to be. she used to "cruise" once or twice a year ... now she's less mobile and stays in more).

grandma jo's going to be 90 in june. i love her so much. i need to call her more often. i hear from my dad she's been pretty down lately. what i'm hoping is that george will find the time to address an autographed picture to her or something, and it will brighten her day. cross your fingers celebrities still do this kind of thing ...

here's a pic of us from my thanksgiving trip to visit her in 2006. [why am i sitting on her tiny lap?? i'm probably crushing her poor legs (she's shrunk to like, 4'10" now) and she's only smiling because she's thinking of george and how any minute now my fat ass will get off of her.]:

unrelated gripe ...

from GIANT NIGHTMARE WAR IN IRAQ to whining about college students ... quite the perspective shift, huh? one. thing. at. a. time.

in the span of the last hour (no shit) i received TWO student emails saying "reply ASAP." now, i know i've complained before about how the advent of email (perhaps coupled with today's overly narcissistic youth, depending on who you ask) has wrought a generation of college students who expect they can miss class and then just casually ask you "what did we do in class?"

BUT "reply ASAP"???? who tells a teacher to do this??

are you kidding me, lol? [i am, actually, Laughing Out Loud, at this very moment.] it's too absurd.

what's even more absurd is that I DID REPLY. instead of just ignoring their stupid emails. because i felt bad for them. even though they were rude and so on. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ENABLING THIS KIND OF THING???

i might have to address this in class. except i don't want to embarrass these two (seriously) very sweet young ladies, who apparently just have no idea that "reply ASAP" is impolite and crazy.

advice, my four dear readers?