nothingness and everythingness

to my dear, wonderful NINE (holy crap, where did you all come from??) readers:

i'm truly VERY sorry i haven't posted anything for weeks and weeks. i'm so flattered anyone cared about this blog ... i do know how much i like reading other people's (everyone! go start blogs!) stuff and seeing their pictures and hearing about their lives. it may have seemed like i dropped off the planet. i did and i didn't. mostly i just wasn't on a computer for a long time. like, hardly ever. and i didn't want to be near one. i was really enjoying my break from technology.

so much has happened in the last six weeks, and so little has actually BEEN DONE, that i don't really know where to start. i'm just going to spit it all out because (as i mentioned) i don't believe i'll be on this computer for long:

i started reading about reincarnation and i started thinking about what lessons our friends and family and significant others teach us and i started meditating on this and thinking something was changing inside me right then and it was. so i started reading these transformational books about mindfulness, being present in the moment, losing your ego and negating emotional reactions, finding your source, leaving materialism behind, channeling energy, embracing nothingness and so on. i also have been reading a lot of fiction (for fun). the waitressing job didn't work out (long story), but that was actually very lucky because i got to do nothing for weeks except look for a temp job and meanwhile read, meditate, try and lose my ego (like i said already, i know, but this is ENDLESS of course, esp for me) and so on. i also have a great tan. (KIDDING! but really. i do).

result: irreversible perspective shift! omg! i have never been happier or more focused in my life, i think. it's the Oneness.

it's a little unsettling, to be quite honest. to be so content. to smile so much, so randomly. to also be so increasingly cognizant of my own reactions and thoughts ... the closest thing i can compare it to is to that euphoria that comes when you're falling in love -- but that is more like a drug, and this is definitely more peaceful, more relaxed ... yes: supreme contentedness is the only way to describe it. (and it's not always there! i have moments when i lose it ... but that's for another post).

just so you know, i'm still me! i'm not a new age nutcase, really. i'm still sarcastic, too judgmental, a little sharp sometimes when i don't mean to be, and i still smoke too many cigarettes and drink WAY too much coffee and diet coke.

i just was so unhappy for so long with my life. i hardly realized that until ... now. with everything. from where i was living to my income to my lack of a partner and children to just about EVERYTHING. and this shift now to appreciating things, and myself, it didn't happen overnight ... it was a process here. it was an awakening i sensed before i could articulate (and i'm doing a damned shitty job here, whoa), and so that's where i am now: working on continuing the awakening. that's all it is. just a beginning.

there's a lot of work for me here ... i don't want to make this blog become an annoying new age meditation blog (holy christ i can't think of a more boring, insipid blog), so i'll just leave it at this and update with other news and stuff, right??? because ...

i have a temp job (i'm on week two) in an office at the U of MN in the medical academic offices: department of integrative biology and physiology. that's a mouthful when i answer the phone, because i also then include, "this is sylvia" at the end, so it kind of always strikes me as funny and i think i laugh out loud every time i answer the phone. fortunately, the phone almost never rings. it's a nice job. half admin/secretary work, half me-transferring grants for a new dept chair (something i've never done before but seems VERY complicated/nightmarish). the U campus is beautiful and a nice blend of urban-college, so i sit outside every day for lunch and read and meditate and this is incredibly lovely.

ok. that's it for june. i'll try and do better for july. i've been finding some great new music ... maybe i'll post that soon.

have i mentioned i have the most wonderful family in the entire universe? and how much i miss my friends? i feel like i radiate love these days ... it's all i feel.

hail the size of ...

whoa. what happened to my blogging life?? it's like i disappeared from blogland. scary. i'm a bit disappointed in myself, honestly. i have a number of explanations for why i fell "off the grid," but i don't even have time to get into them here.

because this post, in fact, is just a filler.

to say: I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING.

and: I WILL DO MORE POSTING SOON (I PROMISE. SERIOUSLY).

[just not now, unfortunately. rest assured, everything will be explained in good time.]